Cheers!

Cheers!

Ups and Downs

“The nice thing about rain is that it always stops. Eventually."  Eeyore

To fully appreciate the good days, you have to experience the bad days.  How would you ever know what a good day was, if you never had a bad day to measure it by?  A bad day does have its uses.  They are not permanent.  Only temporary.  

I mentioned earlier that I was in a funk.  I'm happy to say the rain has stopped.  For now.  Because the sunny days are just as temporary as the rainy days.  But as you begin your journey into recovery, you will find that the sunny days last a hell of a lot longer than the rainy days.  It used to be the exact opposite. But work your program, keep getting back up, and have faith in yourself.  

When you find yourself in a rainy day funk, have a back up plan.  What can you do to take care of yourself to make sure you don't fall back into your old patterns of behavior?  Mine are hot bubble baths, yoga, and meditation.  You could also journal, call someone, get a massage, paint your nails, anything to take care of yourself.   

In times like these, put yourself first.  You are not being selfish by doing this.  Take care of you first, so you'll be able to be of service to the world better.

love and light, kelly

Ups and Downs

“The nice thing about rain is that it always stops. Eventually."  Eeyore

To fully appreciate the good days, you have to experience the bad days.  How would you ever know what a good day was, if you never had a bad day to measure it by?  A bad day does have its uses.  They are not permanent.  Only temporary.  

I mentioned earlier that I was in a funk.  I'm happy to say the rain has stopped.  For now.  Because the sunny days are just as temporary as the rainy days.  But as you begin your journey into recovery, you will find that the sunny days last a hell of a lot longer than the rainy days.  It used to be the exact opposite. But work your program, keep getting back up, and have faith in yourself.  

When you find yourself in a rainy day funk, have a back up plan.  What can you do to take care of yourself to make sure you don't fall back into your old patterns of behavior?  Mine are hot bubble baths, yoga, and meditation.  You could also journal, call someone, get a massage, paint your nails, anything to take care of yourself.   

In times like these, put yourself first.  You are not being selfish by doing this.  Take care of you first, so you'll be able to be of service to the world better.

love and light, kelly

Coming Clean

I've been MIA lately.

I'm just going to throw it out there and come clean.

I've been tempted.  Really tempted.

Let me back up.

I had surgery in June.  Female surgery.  It has caused havoc with my hormones.  It has caused me to gain some weight which has decided to accumulate all in my stomach area.  All in my stomach.  If the weight had been distributed evenly, I'd be handling this a lot better.

My pity party started a few months ago.  I was out of my meds for almost a week (a big no-no right there).  I was in the bathtub and just staring at my belly.  You know it doesn't take much for the voice to get started.  It's always looking for a small opening to bust right through.  And bust right through it did.  Now I've been in recovery long enough to recognize the voice and its tricks.  I know not to fall for it.  And I didn't.  But man, did it drive me crazy.  It wouldn't shut the hell up.  The voice was really strong this time.  "You know how to loose that fat.  Come on, Kelly, just me two weeks, just two weeks.  I won't let it get bad this time.  I promise."  And on and on and on.  I thought I was going to go nuts.  This went on for a quite awhile.

I'm happy to say I did not go back to the old ways.

This is what I've been doing.  First I started exercising.  I thought well, it's fat.  Aerobics burn fat.  Let me do that.  One week of doing that reminded me of how much I hate aerobics and it brought back memories of when I would exercise for hours at a time.  So goodbye to that.

Portion control.  I'm not going to go without food.  I did that for far too long.  But I will eat my food, and wait about five minutes to see if I'm still hungry enough for a second helping.  This comes in handy for when I eat anything Italian.

And finally yoga.  I'm a big believer in yoga.  When I practice, it is not about my body.  It's about so much more.  It makes me feel good inside and out.  I don't think about the size of my stomach or any of the other supposed flaws I think I have.  There is something magical about yoga.  It is truly healing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is always work at recovery.  It really is a day to day process.  You never know when that damn voice is going to trip you up.  Hopefully you will be strong and resist.  If you can't though, be kind to yourself.  Get back up and begin again.  Reach out to someone.  When I was going through my stuff earlier, I would talk to someone I know that has also been through all this as well.  Her problem was drugs, but it's all the same.  Always remember YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THIS DISEASE!!!!

Next time I go through something like this, I promise not to neglect this blog.  I also promise to update this regularly.  We will all get through this together.

love and light, kelly

Coming Clean

I've been MIA lately.

I'm just going to throw it out there and come clean.

I've been tempted.  Really tempted.

Let me back up.

I had surgery in June.  Female surgery.  It has caused havoc with my hormones.  It has caused me to gain some weight which has decided to accumulate all in my stomach area.  All in my stomach.  If the weight had been distributed evenly, I'd be handling this a lot better.

My pity party started a few months ago.  I was out of my meds for almost a week (a big no-no right there).  I was in the bathtub and just staring at my belly.  You know it doesn't take much for the voice to get started.  It's always looking for a small opening to bust right through.  And bust right through it did.  Now I've been in recovery long enough to recognize the voice and its tricks.  I know not to fall for it.  And I didn't.  But man, did it drive me crazy.  It wouldn't shut the hell up.  The voice was really strong this time.  "You know how to loose that fat.  Come on, Kelly, just me two weeks, just two weeks.  I won't let it get bad this time.  I promise."  And on and on and on.  I thought I was going to go nuts.  This went on for a quite awhile.

I'm happy to say I did not go back to the old ways.

This is what I've been doing.  First I started exercising.  I thought well, it's fat.  Aerobics burn fat.  Let me do that.  One week of doing that reminded me of how much I hate aerobics and it brought back memories of when I would exercise for hours at a time.  So goodbye to that.

Portion control.  I'm not going to go without food.  I did that for far too long.  But I will eat my food, and wait about five minutes to see if I'm still hungry enough for a second helping.  This comes in handy for when I eat anything Italian.

And finally yoga.  I'm a big believer in yoga.  When I practice, it is not about my body.  It's about so much more.  It makes me feel good inside and out.  I don't think about the size of my stomach or any of the other supposed flaws I think I have.  There is something magical about yoga.  It is truly healing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is always work at recovery.  It really is a day to day process.  You never know when that damn voice is going to trip you up.  Hopefully you will be strong and resist.  If you can't though, be kind to yourself.  Get back up and begin again.  Reach out to someone.  When I was going through my stuff earlier, I would talk to someone I know that has also been through all this as well.  Her problem was drugs, but it's all the same.  Always remember YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THIS DISEASE!!!!

Next time I go through something like this, I promise not to neglect this blog.  I also promise to update this regularly.  We will all get through this together.

love and light, kelly

Treat Yo Self

For so long we have put ourselves at the bottom of our to do lists.  This week I want each one of you to do something nice for yourselves.  Just for you.

It is important to take time out for self care, especially in recovery.  Celebrate all your little victories. A week without restricting?  Treat yourself.  A week without binging and purging?  Treat yourself.  A few days following your meal plan?  Treat yourself.  Pat yourself on the back.  You are making it.

You don't have to spend much either.  I would buy myself candles and bubble bath.  I do ask that you try not to buy clothes, because of the anxiety that may bring up.  Especially in the early stages of recovery.  Jewelry and shoes would be fine though.  Massages would be awesome as well.  Anything that would be just for you.

If you like, you can share with me what you did this week to treat yourself.  Also if there is any topic you would like me to write about, please let me know.  You can email me at kellyb360@gmail.com.

love and light, kelly

Treat Yo Self

For so long we have put ourselves at the bottom of our to do lists.  This week I want each one of you to do something nice for yourselves.  Just for you.

It is important to take time out for self care, especially in recovery.  Celebrate all your little victories. A week without restricting?  Treat yourself.  A week without binging and purging?  Treat yourself.  A few days following your meal plan?  Treat yourself.  Pat yourself on the back.  You are making it.

You don't have to spend much either.  I would buy myself candles and bubble bath.  I do ask that you try not to buy clothes, because of the anxiety that may bring up.  Especially in the early stages of recovery.  Jewelry and shoes would be fine though.  Massages would be awesome as well.  Anything that would be just for you.

If you like, you can share with me what you did this week to treat yourself.  Also if there is any topic you would like me to write about, please let me know.  You can email me at kellyb360@gmail.com.

love and light, kelly

When in Doubt, Write It Out

If you ever begin to see a therapist, he or she will most likely suggest that you start a journal.  I'm suggesting you start one now if you don't have one already.  It doesn't have to be fancy.  I'd write in a plain notebook, like one you use for school.  There are many options, from the fancy notebooks to keeping it on your computer.  It doesn't matter.  Just journal.

What you write isn't important either.  Try to write about your feelings.  That may be hard at first, especially since your disease has done such a good job at keeping feelings at bay.  But try to get in touch with them.

Looking back at my old journals from when I was in the midst of my disease, I never wrote about my feelings.  It was all this happened, and then this happened, and so on.  Just a log of events.  Nothing about how I felt about anything.  Now I was going through a bunch of crap besides my eating disorder throughout this time of my life.  I was dating one guy that was physically abusive to me for example.  I would write about the fights we had, and how he had hit me.  There would be no emotion coming from me.  Nothing.  That's how numb I was.  Years later when I reread my journals, and was recovering, the tears came.  I finally allowed myself to feel.

Get those feelings out of you.  Don't let them simmer inside.  Don't cover them up with the disease.  You have to feel to heal.

There were many times in the beginning when I would just get my journal and pen out and just scribble out as angry as I could.  No words.  Just scribbles.  That helped a lot.  Just do something.

Start by writing the first thing that comes into your head and go from there.  "This girl on the internet said I need to journal.  She doesn't know what's she's talking about.  But I'll try it."  Anything.

Hopefully you will do it and stick with it.  There were many times my journal was my best friend.  I would spend hours writing page after page in it.  It was the safest place I could get all my feelings out without judgment.  It gave me peace.  It gave me sound of mind.  My hope is that it does the same for you.

love and light, kelly

When in Doubt, Write It Out

If you ever begin to see a therapist, he or she will most likely suggest that you start a journal.  I'm suggesting you start one now if you don't have one already.  It doesn't have to be fancy.  I'd write in a plain notebook, like one you use for school.  There are many options, from the fancy notebooks to keeping it on your computer.  It doesn't matter.  Just journal.

What you write isn't important either.  Try to write about your feelings.  That may be hard at first, especially since your disease has done such a good job at keeping feelings at bay.  But try to get in touch with them.

Looking back at my old journals from when I was in the midst of my disease, I never wrote about my feelings.  It was all this happened, and then this happened, and so on.  Just a log of events.  Nothing about how I felt about anything.  Now I was going through a bunch of crap besides my eating disorder throughout this time of my life.  I was dating one guy that was physically abusive to me for example.  I would write about the fights we had, and how he had hit me.  There would be no emotion coming from me.  Nothing.  That's how numb I was.  Years later when I reread my journals, and was recovering, the tears came.  I finally allowed myself to feel.

Get those feelings out of you.  Don't let them simmer inside.  Don't cover them up with the disease.  You have to feel to heal.

There were many times in the beginning when I would just get my journal and pen out and just scribble out as angry as I could.  No words.  Just scribbles.  That helped a lot.  Just do something.

Start by writing the first thing that comes into your head and go from there.  "This girl on the internet said I need to journal.  She doesn't know what's she's talking about.  But I'll try it."  Anything.

Hopefully you will do it and stick with it.  There were many times my journal was my best friend.  I would spend hours writing page after page in it.  It was the safest place I could get all my feelings out without judgment.  It gave me peace.  It gave me sound of mind.  My hope is that it does the same for you.

love and light, kelly

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

(Yes I'm quoting Paula Abdul lyrics for my title.)

A little over a month ago I had surgery that put me out for awhile.  I'm just now getting to where I feel normal again.  Relatively normal that is.  I'm not where I was, but I'm getting there.  My body lets me know when it has taken on too much for the day and such.  So I listen.  I rest.  I sleep.  I lay on my butt.  A lot.  It's frustrating.  I'm by no means a get up and go kind of gal.  I'm laid back and prefer to chill, but this surgery has really been a lesson in respecting my limits.  One day I feel great.  The next day I feel as if I've been hit by a truck.

Recovery from anything can be like this.  Especially an eating disorder.

I would always wish that recovery would be step one, then step two, and step three, and so forth.  But it's not.  Instead of a straight line, it's a bunch of squiggly lines all over the place.  And that's OK.  That is how we get from being sick to healthy.  It's the same for all of us.  No matter what the problem.  Accept it.  One day you may feel like you'll never be tempted again.  The next day, you may have the biggest episode of your life.  And that's how it is.  It's ok.  As long as you begin again.  Keep going forward every chance you have.  "Fall down seven.  Get up eight."

Listen to your body and its needs.  Respect your body.  That's probably one of the hardest things to learn to do in recovery.  For so long, we have ignored our bodies basic needs.  Start to tune in to yourself.  What do you need right now?  What is your body trying to tell you?  Get quiet for a few minutes and just breathe.  The answers will come to you.  If not, at least you'll feel calmer!

Once you begin to get healthy again, you will notice that the backward steps are getting further and further apart from the forward steps.  There will be many more forward steps than backward ones.  But do not beat yourself up over the backward ones.  Learn from them.  They are not a reflection of who you are as a person.  They are just reminders that there are a few more steps to take.

love and light, kelly

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

(Yes I'm quoting Paula Abdul lyrics for my title.)

A little over a month ago I had surgery that put me out for awhile.  I'm just now getting to where I feel normal again.  Relatively normal that is.  I'm not where I was, but I'm getting there.  My body lets me know when it has taken on too much for the day and such.  So I listen.  I rest.  I sleep.  I lay on my butt.  A lot.  It's frustrating.  I'm by no means a get up and go kind of gal.  I'm laid back and prefer to chill, but this surgery has really been a lesson in respecting my limits.  One day I feel great.  The next day I feel as if I've been hit by a truck.

Recovery from anything can be like this.  Especially an eating disorder.

I would always wish that recovery would be step one, then step two, and step three, and so forth.  But it's not.  Instead of a straight line, it's a bunch of squiggly lines all over the place.  And that's OK.  That is how we get from being sick to healthy.  It's the same for all of us.  No matter what the problem.  Accept it.  One day you may feel like you'll never be tempted again.  The next day, you may have the biggest episode of your life.  And that's how it is.  It's ok.  As long as you begin again.  Keep going forward every chance you have.  "Fall down seven.  Get up eight."

Listen to your body and its needs.  Respect your body.  That's probably one of the hardest things to learn to do in recovery.  For so long, we have ignored our bodies basic needs.  Start to tune in to yourself.  What do you need right now?  What is your body trying to tell you?  Get quiet for a few minutes and just breathe.  The answers will come to you.  If not, at least you'll feel calmer!

Once you begin to get healthy again, you will notice that the backward steps are getting further and further apart from the forward steps.  There will be many more forward steps than backward ones.  But do not beat yourself up over the backward ones.  Learn from them.  They are not a reflection of who you are as a person.  They are just reminders that there are a few more steps to take.

love and light, kelly

You Are Not Your Disease!!!

You are not your disease!!!  Got it?  You aren't.  You are so much more than it.  Now the eating disorder wants you to believe you are nothing without it, that your whole identity is wrapped up in it. But that is a lie.  You are a beautiful person who just so happens to be suffering with a horrible disease.  The disease is a small part of you.  Only a small part of you.

I remember a girl that was in my support group who was so scared to get better.  She said that for as long as she can remember she was always known as "the sick one".  She did not want to get better, because without the illness she felt she had nothing else.  Nothing else to make her stand out from the rest of her family.  I'm sure many of you have felt that way before.

Well now's the time to find something else to be known for.  Get rid of the "sick" image.  That's not serving you, nor anyone else.  Who would you be if you did not have this illness?  What would your plans for the future be?  What would you want to accomplish?  Because you can do all that and more.  You just have to let go of the limiting belief that this disease has on you.  Let it go.  You are an amazing person who was put here to do amazing things.  Do them!

To begin to see yourself without the disease, list five things about yourself that has nothing to do with the outside of you (appearance).  Mine might be:  I'm funny, caring, intuitive, quirky, and headstrong.

Basically I'm saying not to let the disease define you.  You are more than someone who is suffering from an eating disorder.  Hopefully in the future you won't be suffering from one at all.  Concentrate on all your good traits and let those blossom.  The world needs more great people like you.

love and light, kelly

You Are Not Your Disease!!!

You are not your disease!!!  Got it?  You aren't.  You are so much more than it.  Now the eating disorder wants you to believe you are nothing without it, that your whole identity is wrapped up in it. But that is a lie.  You are a beautiful person who just so happens to be suffering with a horrible disease.  The disease is a small part of you.  Only a small part of you.

I remember a girl that was in my support group who was so scared to get better.  She said that for as long as she can remember she was always known as "the sick one".  She did not want to get better, because without the illness she felt she had nothing else.  Nothing else to make her stand out from the rest of her family.  I'm sure many of you have felt that way before.

Well now's the time to find something else to be known for.  Get rid of the "sick" image.  That's not serving you, nor anyone else.  Who would you be if you did not have this illness?  What would your plans for the future be?  What would you want to accomplish?  Because you can do all that and more.  You just have to let go of the limiting belief that this disease has on you.  Let it go.  You are an amazing person who was put here to do amazing things.  Do them!

To begin to see yourself without the disease, list five things about yourself that has nothing to do with the outside of you (appearance).  Mine might be:  I'm funny, caring, intuitive, quirky, and headstrong.

Basically I'm saying not to let the disease define you.  You are more than someone who is suffering from an eating disorder.  Hopefully in the future you won't be suffering from one at all.  Concentrate on all your good traits and let those blossom.  The world needs more great people like you.

love and light, kelly

Happy Anniversary to Me!!!

Today marks fifteen years since I last binged and purged.  Fifteen years of eating disorder freedom.  I had a good happy cry for myself this morning when I realized my accomplishment.

Fifteen years ago today I did not have such high hopes for myself.  I did not believe I would reach this milestone.  Never in a million years.  But I did.

The first few years were the hardest.  I would say maybe the first three years were the toughest.  I wanted to go back so many times.  I would compare the eating disorder to an old boyfriend.  A boyfriend who didn't treat me very well, but still had a hold on me.  Not a very strong hold, but it's there.  Sometimes I'd would think about him.  What he's doing, how he is, and what not.  I'd think about picking up the phone and calling him.  Just an innocent phone call.  Just to say hi and to let him know I'm still thinking about him and to wish him well.  But I don't make the phone call.  Why?  Because it'll bring up too many things again.  Things I have dealt with.  Things I don't want to deal with ever again.  Because he and I both know that we can never have an innocent conversation.  We can't just say our good byes, hang up the phone, and move on.  No, we have to have the drama.  The high we get from it.  The distraction it gives to ordinary life.  That one phone call will give us a little taste of it.  We will succumb to it.  We will fall for it all.  Each time it will be harder and harder to say good bye.

That's why I never did it.  That's why I never stuck my finger down my throat again when I got angry or depressed.  I can't do it.  I can't go back.

I know that if I do, the results will be disastrous.

All the things he promised me will never happen.  The happiness he said he could make me feel will never happen.  The perfect body will never be perfect enough to suit him.

So I leave him where he is.  In my past.  He served his purpose in my life, but I have outgrown my need for him.  Thank God.

Happy Anniversary to Me!!!

Today marks fifteen years since I last binged and purged.  Fifteen years of eating disorder freedom.  I had a good happy cry for myself this morning when I realized my accomplishment.

Fifteen years ago today I did not have such high hopes for myself.  I did not believe I would reach this milestone.  Never in a million years.  But I did.

The first few years were the hardest.  I would say maybe the first three years were the toughest.  I wanted to go back so many times.  I would compare the eating disorder to an old boyfriend.  A boyfriend who didn't treat me very well, but still had a hold on me.  Not a very strong hold, but it's there.  Sometimes I'd would think about him.  What he's doing, how he is, and what not.  I'd think about picking up the phone and calling him.  Just an innocent phone call.  Just to say hi and to let him know I'm still thinking about him and to wish him well.  But I don't make the phone call.  Why?  Because it'll bring up too many things again.  Things I have dealt with.  Things I don't want to deal with ever again.  Because he and I both know that we can never have an innocent conversation.  We can't just say our good byes, hang up the phone, and move on.  No, we have to have the drama.  The high we get from it.  The distraction it gives to ordinary life.  That one phone call will give us a little taste of it.  We will succumb to it.  We will fall for it all.  Each time it will be harder and harder to say good bye.

That's why I never did it.  That's why I never stuck my finger down my throat again when I got angry or depressed.  I can't do it.  I can't go back.

I know that if I do, the results will be disastrous.

All the things he promised me will never happen.  The happiness he said he could make me feel will never happen.  The perfect body will never be perfect enough to suit him.

So I leave him where he is.  In my past.  He served his purpose in my life, but I have outgrown my need for him.  Thank God.

Preach it sister!!! Love this.

Preach it sister!!! Love this.

Change the Tape In Your Head

You're fat.
You cow.
You're wearing that?
You're so ugly.
I can't stand you.
No one likes you.
You disgust me.

Would you ever say any of those things to one of your friends?  No, of course not.

Would you be friends with anyone who said this to you?  You say no.  But you say things like this to yourself everyday, I bet.  I know I did.  It was like a tape playing over and over in my head.  Nothing was ever good enough for that voice in my head.

In order to get better, I had to learn how to become a good friend to myself.  One of the ways to do that was to retrain the way I talked to myself.  If I would never ever talk to anyone in the way I talked to myself, why did I do it to myself?  There's that old saying - you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.  That saying has been around for years because it's true.

The way I retrained my brain was whenever a negative thought came into my mind, I immediately countered it with the exact opposite positive statement.  "I'm fat" became "I'm healthy".  "I'm ugly" became "I'm pretty".  "Everyone hates me" became "Everyone likes me".  

There was TONS of resistance at the beginning.  TONS!!!  I was going against twenty plus years of programming.  The e.d. voice in my head would laugh and laugh at me.  I ignored it and kept chugging along.  Yes I felt stupid at the beginning.  I always thought affirmations were silly.  But if my constant negative talk to myself made me believe all that, wouldn't my positive talk cause me to believe it as well?  I had nothing to lose, so I did it.  And know what?  It did work.  Not overnight.  I had years to work against.  But it did.

I am a firm believer that the thoughts you put out in the Universe will become your reality. Change your thoughts, change your world. Stop beating yourself up. Love yourself. When you catch yourself talking bad to yourself, stop. Say something nice. This isn't about vanity or being stuck on yourself. It's about being loving to yourself. You will start to believe the positive thoughts about yourself. This is something I still struggle with everyday. People with and without eating disorders do the same thing. It's human nature. Be willing to change and practice this tool. I promise you it works. The two words I AM are some the most powerful words there are. Be careful about what you put behind them. You are proclaiming this to the Universe, and it has no choice but to reflect it back to you. Let your words be kind and caring.


love and light, Kelly

Change the Tape In Your Head

You're fat.
You cow.
You're wearing that?
You're so ugly.
I can't stand you.
No one likes you.
You disgust me.

Would you ever say any of those things to one of your friends?  No, of course not.

Would you be friends with anyone who said this to you?  You say no.  But you say things like this to yourself everyday, I bet.  I know I did.  It was like a tape playing over and over in my head.  Nothing was ever good enough for that voice in my head.

In order to get better, I had to learn how to become a good friend to myself.  One of the ways to do that was to retrain the way I talked to myself.  If I would never ever talk to anyone in the way I talked to myself, why did I do it to myself?  There's that old saying - you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.  That saying has been around for years because it's true.

The way I retrained my brain was whenever a negative thought came into my mind, I immediately countered it with the exact opposite positive statement.  "I'm fat" became "I'm healthy".  "I'm ugly" became "I'm pretty".  "Everyone hates me" became "Everyone likes me".  

There was TONS of resistance at the beginning.  TONS!!!  I was going against twenty plus years of programming.  The e.d. voice in my head would laugh and laugh at me.  I ignored it and kept chugging along.  Yes I felt stupid at the beginning.  I always thought affirmations were silly.  But if my constant negative talk to myself made me believe all that, wouldn't my positive talk cause me to believe it as well?  I had nothing to lose, so I did it.  And know what?  It did work.  Not overnight.  I had years to work against.  But it did.

I am a firm believer that the thoughts you put out in the Universe will become your reality. Change your thoughts, change your world. Stop beating yourself up. Love yourself. When you catch yourself talking bad to yourself, stop. Say something nice. This isn't about vanity or being stuck on yourself. It's about being loving to yourself. You will start to believe the positive thoughts about yourself. This is something I still struggle with everyday. People with and without eating disorders do the same thing. It's human nature. Be willing to change and practice this tool. I promise you it works. The two words I AM are some the most powerful words there are. Be careful about what you put behind them. You are proclaiming this to the Universe, and it has no choice but to reflect it back to you. Let your words be kind and caring.


love and light, Kelly

Happy Easter

Holidays can be hard for people with eating disorders, mainly because so many of them are centered around food.  Like Easter.  From the family dinner to the candy the Easter Bunny brings, anxious emotions can arise.

This year I urge you to find new meaning for the holiday.  Easter comes in spring and that means renewal.  Look around you.  Flowers are blossoming and trees are gaining their leaves back.  The earth is blooming once again after the winter.

My wish for you is to do the same.  Use the meaning of today for your own life.  Today you are blossoming, being reborn into the person you are meant to be.  Not what your disease wants you to be.  Cast away your former shell, and emerge as the amazing person you are.  Keep this message close to your heart for the days ahead.  Maybe even allow yourself to have some Easter candy and don't feel guilty about it.  I'm for sure going to enjoy some.

love and light, Kelly

Happy Easter

Holidays can be hard for people with eating disorders, mainly because so many of them are centered around food.  Like Easter.  From the family dinner to the candy the Easter Bunny brings, anxious emotions can arise.

This year I urge you to find new meaning for the holiday.  Easter comes in spring and that means renewal.  Look around you.  Flowers are blossoming and trees are gaining their leaves back.  The earth is blooming once again after the winter.

My wish for you is to do the same.  Use the meaning of today for your own life.  Today you are blossoming, being reborn into the person you are meant to be.  Not what your disease wants you to be.  Cast away your former shell, and emerge as the amazing person you are.  Keep this message close to your heart for the days ahead.  Maybe even allow yourself to have some Easter candy and don't feel guilty about it.  I'm for sure going to enjoy some.

love and light, Kelly

Confessions of a Former Grudge Holder

I used to hold major, and I mean major, grudges.  For years.  Piss me off even slightly and you would forever be on my poop list.

Today I practice forgiveness.  Daily.  I am no longer the queen of grudges.  And I am much happier because of it.  That doesn't mean I don't still get mad at people.  I do.  I just feel the feelings and then let them go.

I would get nowhere holding onto the grudges I was holding on to.  I would spend so much energy hating so and so.  Meanwhile s/he would be going on with their life, oblivious to the time they were spending in my head.  I would be like, "How dare they go about all happy and crap, when I'm still over here pissed about what happened."  It just wasn't fair.

Then I heard I quote from the mighty O herself (Oprah) on forgiveness:  “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”  She went on to explain that it doesn't mean that what happened to you is ok.  Just that you accept that it happened.  Then move on.  

I have an ex-boyfriend who was physically abusive to me for years.  To say he isn't my favorite person would be an understatement.  But I have forgiven him.  I don't want him in my life, but I still have forgiven him.  I can see him now and not want to immediately run and hide or have the urge to mentally kill him with my thoughts.  People are amazed that I can have polite small talk with him.  I'm a different person now than I was when we were together.  I'm no longer the insecure girl with no self esteem.  The girl who allowed him to walk all over her.  He doesn't know the new me, and he probably never will.  And that's fine.  Just because you forgive someone doesn't always mean they have to be in your life.  You can forgive people that have passed away, moved far away, or will never ever see again.  

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.  The word itself is FOR GIVE.  Give yourself this.  Make peace with the past for you.  As long as you're holding grudges and what not, the other person still has control and power over you.  Release it.  Surrender.  You don't have to call the person and let them know what you're doing.  Make it personal.  Something between you and your Higher Power.  Just do it.  Practice it daily.  I promise your life will be so much more peaceful and calm.  Don't we all want that?  I know I do.  

love and light, kelly

Confessions of a Former Grudge Holder

I used to hold major, and I mean major, grudges.  For years.  Piss me off even slightly and you would forever be on my poop list.

Today I practice forgiveness.  Daily.  I am no longer the queen of grudges.  And I am much happier because of it.  That doesn't mean I don't still get mad at people.  I do.  I just feel the feelings and then let them go.

I would get nowhere holding onto the grudges I was holding on to.  I would spend so much energy hating so and so.  Meanwhile s/he would be going on with their life, oblivious to the time they were spending in my head.  I would be like, "How dare they go about all happy and crap, when I'm still over here pissed about what happened."  It just wasn't fair.

Then I heard I quote from the mighty O herself (Oprah) on forgiveness:  “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”  She went on to explain that it doesn't mean that what happened to you is ok.  Just that you accept that it happened.  Then move on.  

I have an ex-boyfriend who was physically abusive to me for years.  To say he isn't my favorite person would be an understatement.  But I have forgiven him.  I don't want him in my life, but I still have forgiven him.  I can see him now and not want to immediately run and hide or have the urge to mentally kill him with my thoughts.  People are amazed that I can have polite small talk with him.  I'm a different person now than I was when we were together.  I'm no longer the insecure girl with no self esteem.  The girl who allowed him to walk all over her.  He doesn't know the new me, and he probably never will.  And that's fine.  Just because you forgive someone doesn't always mean they have to be in your life.  You can forgive people that have passed away, moved far away, or will never ever see again.  

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.  The word itself is FOR GIVE.  Give yourself this.  Make peace with the past for you.  As long as you're holding grudges and what not, the other person still has control and power over you.  Release it.  Surrender.  You don't have to call the person and let them know what you're doing.  Make it personal.  Something between you and your Higher Power.  Just do it.  Practice it daily.  I promise your life will be so much more peaceful and calm.  Don't we all want that?  I know I do.  

love and light, kelly

Relapse

Relapse is a part of recovery.  It's going to happen.  Accept it.

The most important thing to do when it happens is DO NOT beat yourself up over it.!  DO NOT!!!  You've spent years beating yourself up already. Now is the time to take care of you.  Practice self forgiveness.  Practice self love.

There was a time in my recovery that on the outside to others, it seemed like I was getting worse.  People that cared about me were worried.  Asking me if treatment was a good idea.  I told them yes.  It was working.

What they didn't know was that I was finally dealing with all the negativity that my e.d. had protected me from.  All theses scary emotions were coming up.  I was having to deal with situations that happened years ago.  Things I should have dealt with and felt then.  Not surprisingly, it was a bit overwhelming at times to say the least.  There were a few days when after a tough therapy session, I would have to call in sick to work the next day and just stay in bed and cry all day.  I can see why people thought I was going backwards and not forwards.  But I knew that every tear shed was a tiny victory for me.  Me - who used to view crying as weak.  Me - who used tears to manipulate others.  I was now bawling unabashedly.  Reveling in my sobs.  I was mainly mourning the three year old inside me who lost her dad and didn't understand why.  I was mourning the unhealthy ways I tried to protect the little girl from getting hurt.  I was begging for her forgiveness.

Now when the emotions would get too much - and they did - I would lapse.  Notice I said lapse, not RElapse.   To me lapse is more of a temporary situation.  You fall down, get back up.  A relapse is when you stay down for awhile.  How long, of course, is up to you.  It's always up to you.  Hopefully not for long.  But if so, forgive yourself.  (FORGIVE=GIVE FOR YOURSELF)  Know that it happens.  It is a part - a vital part - of recovery.  I've heard it shows that you are on the right track of recovery.  You are.  Get up.  Brush yourself off.  Keep looking forward.  Don't give up.

love and light, kelly

Relapse

Relapse is a part of recovery.  It's going to happen.  Accept it.

The most important thing to do when it happens is DO NOT beat yourself up over it.!  DO NOT!!!  You've spent years beating yourself up already. Now is the time to take care of you.  Practice self forgiveness.  Practice self love.

There was a time in my recovery that on the outside to others, it seemed like I was getting worse.  People that cared about me were worried.  Asking me if treatment was a good idea.  I told them yes.  It was working.

What they didn't know was that I was finally dealing with all the negativity that my e.d. had protected me from.  All theses scary emotions were coming up.  I was having to deal with situations that happened years ago.  Things I should have dealt with and felt then.  Not surprisingly, it was a bit overwhelming at times to say the least.  There were a few days when after a tough therapy session, I would have to call in sick to work the next day and just stay in bed and cry all day.  I can see why people thought I was going backwards and not forwards.  But I knew that every tear shed was a tiny victory for me.  Me - who used to view crying as weak.  Me - who used tears to manipulate others.  I was now bawling unabashedly.  Reveling in my sobs.  I was mainly mourning the three year old inside me who lost her dad and didn't understand why.  I was mourning the unhealthy ways I tried to protect the little girl from getting hurt.  I was begging for her forgiveness.

Now when the emotions would get too much - and they did - I would lapse.  Notice I said lapse, not RElapse.   To me lapse is more of a temporary situation.  You fall down, get back up.  A relapse is when you stay down for awhile.  How long, of course, is up to you.  It's always up to you.  Hopefully not for long.  But if so, forgive yourself.  (FORGIVE=GIVE FOR YOURSELF)  Know that it happens.  It is a part - a vital part - of recovery.  I've heard it shows that you are on the right track of recovery.  You are.  Get up.  Brush yourself off.  Keep looking forward.  Don't give up.

love and light, kelly

A Video for Your Viewing Pleasure

I'm dating myself by saying this, but I saw this video for the first time many years ago when I was still sick.  It was late at night when it came on MTV, and I believe I was not sober.  The video made me cry.  It is a beautiful song and video.  Enjoy.  

A Video for Your Viewing Pleasure

I'm dating myself by saying this, but I saw this video for the first time many years ago when I was still sick.  It was late at night when it came on MTV, and I believe I was not sober.  The video made me cry.  It is a beautiful song and video.  Enjoy.  

Anger

"You're a very, very angry girl."

I sat there thinking, No s--t, Sherlock.

It was my first therapy appointment.  I just got through giving my new therapist the brief history of my life story and my eating disorder.  I knew I was angry.  At the world.  At everyone.  At her for even for saying that.

She told me she wanted me to go home and make a list of all the people I was angry at.  I told her that there wasn't enough paper in the world.  (I was making such a great first impression.)

Well I did.  I put down everyone I could think of.  From WAY back.  We're talking from the girls who teased me in kindergarten up to the ex-boyfriend I was currently living with.  No one was spared.

When I finished and read through the list, I had to put someone else on top.  Myself.  I was mostly angry at myself.  For ending up having to get help.  For getting sick enough to need help.  For feeling ashamed at being sick.  I deserved to be on top of that list more than anyone else.

Anger was always a very scary emotion for me.  I never learned how to deal with it.  I grew up with my mother constantly telling me that if I have nothing nice to say, then say nothing.  And the always helpful, "A lady never shows her true feelings."  (When I told my therapist these words of wisdom, she exclaimed, "Bulls-t!")  So it's easy to see how I could have developed an e.d. to help me to cope with uncomfortable feelings.

But with getting better, you have to learn how to deal with all the junk you've been avoiding.  And anger was a big one for me.  All anger is, is sadness putting on a tough face.  That's it.  We as a society are more comfortable showing anger than tears.  I wasn't very good at either.

One of the ways I would get anger out in the beginning of my recovery was to drive around at night with my music blaring and just screaming at the top of my lungs.  I would have the angriest music I could find on and just scream and scream.  I felt so good to finally get out all the years of pent up anger out out out.  Believe me, there was a lot of it to get out.

I did just mention that I was living at the time with my ex-boyfriend.  (Under no circumstances would I ever recommend this to anyone.)  One day I was really mad at him for something.  He was not at home for me to tell him.  I saw one of his t-shirts laying on the floor.  I'll never forget it.  It was purple.  I picked it up and just laid into it.  I ripped that shirt to shreds.  Tore it up.   It was just a bunch of torn strips when I got through with it.  I didn't have an ounce of negativity left in me.  There was some guilt in what I did to one of his favorite shirts though.  Oh well.  Looking back, I should have owned up to what I did a few days later when he went looking for it.  But I played dumb.  I thought to myself that it was better his t-shirt took a fall, than my recovery.

Now I deal with anger a bit more saner.  I take a lot of deep breaths.  A lot.  I do practice yoga, so I have many different breathing techniques at my disposal.  Talking it out with someone helps too.  It doesn't always have to be the one you're angry at.  Sometimes you just have to vent and that's fine.  What's important is that you don't let the anger simmer inside you.  Get it out.  Journal.  Exercise.  Tear up a damn t-shirt.  Get it out!  Feel your feelings.

The only way out is through.  The only way to heal is to feel.
(I used to hear those two sayings so much in therapy.  Just thought I'd throw those out there.)

love and light, kelly

Anger

"You're a very, very angry girl."

I sat there thinking, No s--t, Sherlock.

It was my first therapy appointment.  I just got through giving my new therapist the brief history of my life story and my eating disorder.  I knew I was angry.  At the world.  At everyone.  At her for even for saying that.

She told me she wanted me to go home and make a list of all the people I was angry at.  I told her that there wasn't enough paper in the world.  (I was making such a great first impression.)

Well I did.  I put down everyone I could think of.  From WAY back.  We're talking from the girls who teased me in kindergarten up to the ex-boyfriend I was currently living with.  No one was spared.

When I finished and read through the list, I had to put someone else on top.  Myself.  I was mostly angry at myself.  For ending up having to get help.  For getting sick enough to need help.  For feeling ashamed at being sick.  I deserved to be on top of that list more than anyone else.

Anger was always a very scary emotion for me.  I never learned how to deal with it.  I grew up with my mother constantly telling me that if I have nothing nice to say, then say nothing.  And the always helpful, "A lady never shows her true feelings."  (When I told my therapist these words of wisdom, she exclaimed, "Bulls-t!")  So it's easy to see how I could have developed an e.d. to help me to cope with uncomfortable feelings.

But with getting better, you have to learn how to deal with all the junk you've been avoiding.  And anger was a big one for me.  All anger is, is sadness putting on a tough face.  That's it.  We as a society are more comfortable showing anger than tears.  I wasn't very good at either.

One of the ways I would get anger out in the beginning of my recovery was to drive around at night with my music blaring and just screaming at the top of my lungs.  I would have the angriest music I could find on and just scream and scream.  I felt so good to finally get out all the years of pent up anger out out out.  Believe me, there was a lot of it to get out.

I did just mention that I was living at the time with my ex-boyfriend.  (Under no circumstances would I ever recommend this to anyone.)  One day I was really mad at him for something.  He was not at home for me to tell him.  I saw one of his t-shirts laying on the floor.  I'll never forget it.  It was purple.  I picked it up and just laid into it.  I ripped that shirt to shreds.  Tore it up.   It was just a bunch of torn strips when I got through with it.  I didn't have an ounce of negativity left in me.  There was some guilt in what I did to one of his favorite shirts though.  Oh well.  Looking back, I should have owned up to what I did a few days later when he went looking for it.  But I played dumb.  I thought to myself that it was better his t-shirt took a fall, than my recovery.

Now I deal with anger a bit more saner.  I take a lot of deep breaths.  A lot.  I do practice yoga, so I have many different breathing techniques at my disposal.  Talking it out with someone helps too.  It doesn't always have to be the one you're angry at.  Sometimes you just have to vent and that's fine.  What's important is that you don't let the anger simmer inside you.  Get it out.  Journal.  Exercise.  Tear up a damn t-shirt.  Get it out!  Feel your feelings.

The only way out is through.  The only way to heal is to feel.
(I used to hear those two sayings so much in therapy.  Just thought I'd throw those out there.)

love and light, kelly

Asking for Help

By the time I finally entered therapy, I knew what my eating disorder represented.  I had read all the books.  I had analyzed myself up one side and down the other.  I knew my e.d. was not about food.  It never is.  I knew it was a coping mechanism.  Starving myself meant starving my feelings away.  The less I ate, the less I felt.  Binging equaled stuffing my feelings down.  So far down that they didn't exist anymore. Or so I thought.  Purging equaled bringing the feelings up. To be flushed down the toilet. I wasn't puking up the food.  I was puking up my feelings.  After vomiting, I was void of all feelings. I felt nothing.  Total numbness.

But with all my self-analysis, I still found it impossible to stop.

I wanted to - at times.  Other times I was so thankful for it.  I thought that if I didn't have it, I would be forced to face myself and all my negative feelings.  I wouldn't be able to handle it.  They would crush me.  I would die from mental exhaustion.  I was sure of it.

Deciding to get help was one of the scariest things I ever did.

I had flirted with the idea for so long.

But it wasn't until I was scaring myself that I decided to stop.  I had been scaring my family and friends for years.  That didn't bother me.  I felt they were over reacting.  I mean, I controlled it.  It did not control me.  What a big fat f-ing joke that was.  Only I didn't get it.  For me to get the punchline would have had to be me dying, I guess.  Thank God and Daddy, I started scaring myself with it.

The purging episodes were getting to the point where I would basically pass out by the toilet.  The room would be spinning.  I would be spinning.  I felt as if I didn't know where I was or who I was.  I would pull myself up by holding onto the sink.  Once standing the room spun more.  My eyes couldn't focus.  Everything was muggy and foggy.  I would have to get on my hands and knees and crawl to my bedroom, where I would have to pull myself up on the bed.  Once safely under the covers, I would pass out.

Now I've always been one for the dramatics, but this was a bit much.  This wasn't me being a drama queen.  This was real.

I was scared.

I didn't mean to start crying on the table of my gynecologist's office.  I really didn't.  All he did was ask me how I was doing and the floodgates came bursting open.  I told him how I was starving myself and that when I would eat, out it would come.  How I tried and tried to stop, but couldn't.

When he was finished examining me, he left the room saying he was going to call (the treatment center I went to).  I am to this day ever so grateful for this man.  I really don't think I could have ever made that call.  But for some unforeseen reason, I was made to cry on that table, however embarrassing it was.  And it was.

I could hear him in the hall on the phone taking charge.  He told me to come out and talk to them.  They made me an appointment for me to come in for the next week.  I am told to come by before to fill out papers and a questionnaire about my e.d. to see how best to treat me.

I am at once scared and excited.  All for the same reason.  The thought of giving up my constant companion, living without it, making it through life without it, succeeding without it.  I was split down the middle.  A part of me was like, forget it, you'll never make it.  You're wasting their time and your money.  The other part was filled with unspoken hope.

It is scary to ask for help.  Very.  For so long, we have been hiding in shame with our disease.  We thought we didn't deserve help.  Other people do, but we don't.  I'm here to tell you, you do deserve it.  You can't do it alone.  Ask for help.  It is out there.

Asking for Help

By the time I finally entered therapy, I knew what my eating disorder represented.  I had read all the books.  I had analyzed myself up one side and down the other.  I knew my e.d. was not about food.  It never is.  I knew it was a coping mechanism.  Starving myself meant starving my feelings away.  The less I ate, the less I felt.  Binging equaled stuffing my feelings down.  So far down that they didn't exist anymore. Or so I thought.  Purging equaled bringing the feelings up. To be flushed down the toilet. I wasn't puking up the food.  I was puking up my feelings.  After vomiting, I was void of all feelings. I felt nothing.  Total numbness.

But with all my self-analysis, I still found it impossible to stop.

I wanted to - at times.  Other times I was so thankful for it.  I thought that if I didn't have it, I would be forced to face myself and all my negative feelings.  I wouldn't be able to handle it.  They would crush me.  I would die from mental exhaustion.  I was sure of it.

Deciding to get help was one of the scariest things I ever did.

I had flirted with the idea for so long.

But it wasn't until I was scaring myself that I decided to stop.  I had been scaring my family and friends for years.  That didn't bother me.  I felt they were over reacting.  I mean, I controlled it.  It did not control me.  What a big fat f-ing joke that was.  Only I didn't get it.  For me to get the punchline would have had to be me dying, I guess.  Thank God and Daddy, I started scaring myself with it.

The purging episodes were getting to the point where I would basically pass out by the toilet.  The room would be spinning.  I would be spinning.  I felt as if I didn't know where I was or who I was.  I would pull myself up by holding onto the sink.  Once standing the room spun more.  My eyes couldn't focus.  Everything was muggy and foggy.  I would have to get on my hands and knees and crawl to my bedroom, where I would have to pull myself up on the bed.  Once safely under the covers, I would pass out.

Now I've always been one for the dramatics, but this was a bit much.  This wasn't me being a drama queen.  This was real.

I was scared.

I didn't mean to start crying on the table of my gynecologist's office.  I really didn't.  All he did was ask me how I was doing and the floodgates came bursting open.  I told him how I was starving myself and that when I would eat, out it would come.  How I tried and tried to stop, but couldn't.

When he was finished examining me, he left the room saying he was going to call (the treatment center I went to).  I am to this day ever so grateful for this man.  I really don't think I could have ever made that call.  But for some unforeseen reason, I was made to cry on that table, however embarrassing it was.  And it was.

I could hear him in the hall on the phone taking charge.  He told me to come out and talk to them.  They made me an appointment for me to come in for the next week.  I am told to come by before to fill out papers and a questionnaire about my e.d. to see how best to treat me.

I am at once scared and excited.  All for the same reason.  The thought of giving up my constant companion, living without it, making it through life without it, succeeding without it.  I was split down the middle.  A part of me was like, forget it, you'll never make it.  You're wasting their time and your money.  The other part was filled with unspoken hope.

It is scary to ask for help.  Very.  For so long, we have been hiding in shame with our disease.  We thought we didn't deserve help.  Other people do, but we don't.  I'm here to tell you, you do deserve it.  You can't do it alone.  Ask for help.  It is out there.

This Is a Test

Today a friend of mine that has her own addiction struggles received some bad news about a close family member.  I hope for her and her families sake, she is able to be strong and make it through without the drug of her choice.  Please whoever is reading this, say a prayer for her and her family.

It got me thinking about times in my recovery when it got tough.  This is a test and you will be tested.  Be prepared.

My first real challenge came about two years into my recovery.  My mother suffered a brain aneurysm.  If I hadn't been at home to call 911, she would have died for sure.  Luckily I was there and did call.  She was rushed to the hospital.  They began running tests on her to find out what was wrong.  They figured out that she had suffered a brain aneurysm and they had to do surgery on her, but only after they had her stabilized.  On top of that, they informed my siblings and me that there was only a 50% percent chance she would make it.  Take a wild guess how I wanted to deal with it all.

All I wanted was a cheesecake and quick access to a toilet.  I didn't want to feel.  I didn't want to feel the helplessness, the fear, the uncertainty, anything.  I wanted to be numb.  Completely numb.

But I knew that would not help anything.  It wouldn't serve any purpose.  It wouldn't change anything.  It would temporarily help me escape my problems and feelings, but they would still be there when the numbness wore off.  My mom would still be in the hospital with an aneurysm.  How would my relapsing help?  It wouldn't.  It wouldn't help me.  It wouldn't help her.

So what did I do?  I prayed like never before.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  I prayed to God and I prayed to my father who passed away when I was three years old.  I asked both for strength and to watch over mom.  I also cried a lot.  A lot.  Sometimes I cried myself to sleep.  I ate.  Slowly.  I was careful not to eat fast, because I wanted to go into full on binging mode so bad.  I did not let myself get too hungry either.  I took care of myself.

I'm happy to say that my mother and I both made it through that horrible time.  That time in my life has been the biggest challenge to my recovery.  It was one of the most frightening times of my life.

Just know that you will be tested in your recovery.  I hope you pass with flying colors.  Be strong.

love and light, kelly

This Is a Test

Today a friend of mine that has her own addiction struggles received some bad news about a close family member.  I hope for her and her families sake, she is able to be strong and make it through without the drug of her choice.  Please whoever is reading this, say a prayer for her and her family.

It got me thinking about times in my recovery when it got tough.  This is a test and you will be tested.  Be prepared.

My first real challenge came about two years into my recovery.  My mother suffered a brain aneurysm.  If I hadn't been at home to call 911, she would have died for sure.  Luckily I was there and did call.  She was rushed to the hospital.  They began running tests on her to find out what was wrong.  They figured out that she had suffered a brain aneurysm and they had to do surgery on her, but only after they had her stabilized.  On top of that, they informed my siblings and me that there was only a 50% percent chance she would make it.  Take a wild guess how I wanted to deal with it all.

All I wanted was a cheesecake and quick access to a toilet.  I didn't want to feel.  I didn't want to feel the helplessness, the fear, the uncertainty, anything.  I wanted to be numb.  Completely numb.

But I knew that would not help anything.  It wouldn't serve any purpose.  It wouldn't change anything.  It would temporarily help me escape my problems and feelings, but they would still be there when the numbness wore off.  My mom would still be in the hospital with an aneurysm.  How would my relapsing help?  It wouldn't.  It wouldn't help me.  It wouldn't help her.

So what did I do?  I prayed like never before.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  I prayed to God and I prayed to my father who passed away when I was three years old.  I asked both for strength and to watch over mom.  I also cried a lot.  A lot.  Sometimes I cried myself to sleep.  I ate.  Slowly.  I was careful not to eat fast, because I wanted to go into full on binging mode so bad.  I did not let myself get too hungry either.  I took care of myself.

I'm happy to say that my mother and I both made it through that horrible time.  That time in my life has been the biggest challenge to my recovery.  It was one of the most frightening times of my life.

Just know that you will be tested in your recovery.  I hope you pass with flying colors.  Be strong.

love and light, kelly

A Losing Battle

YOU WILL NEVER WIN!!!!  EVER!!!!

An eating disorder is a war with your mind.  One that you will never win.  You will never be thin enough to shut the ugly voice in your head.  Never.  No matter how thin you get, it will never be enough.  You could weigh 0 pounds and the voice will still tell you what a fat piece of crap you are.  It is hell.  A living hell.

The sad thing is that you believe every word it says.  It has brainwashed you.  You are at its mercy.  It lives to punish you.  It will keep punishing you until you decide you don't want to listen anymore.  It sounds simple, but it's not.

I remember telling my mom about it.  How the voice tells me I'm fat, I'm a pig, I don't deserve food, and what not.  She was crying and said, "Just tell the voice to shut the hell up."  I began crying, telling her I can't.

It had become my companion.  Sick as it was, I felt that it was my friend.  For someone who has never experienced an eating disorder, I know that it sounds crazy.  It is.  It promised me happiness, love, a beautiful life.  But there were strings attached.  I could only have those things if I was thin.  The thinnest.  The best at dieting.  And of course, as I said in the beginning, you will never be thin enough.  So as long as the e.d. is your "friend", you will never have the happiness, the love, and the beautiful life it promised you.  Never.  The perpetual catch-22.  You will forever be trying to catch up to the dangling carrot.  As soon as you're almost close enough to grab it, it's yanked far away from you.  Laughing manically at your stupidity, "Did you really think you would get it?  Look at you.  You're disgusting.  You have a long way to go.  Fat chance at winning."  This is who you consider your friend.

I listened to that voice for years.  Believed it for years.

When I began recovery, it got really pissed.  "They're going to make you fat.  They're lying to you.  I'm the only one who tells the truth."  And on and on.

As I said before, I let it have its say.  Then I went on with getting better.  It was hard.  There were times the e.d. voice won.  But I forgave myself and marched on.  Eventually with time, the voice quieted down.  Not overnight for sure.  We're talking a few years here.  At times of stress, it likes to pop in and see how I'm doing.  I politely close the door.  That's one visitor I don't need.

love and light, kelly

A Losing Battle

YOU WILL NEVER WIN!!!!  EVER!!!!

An eating disorder is a war with your mind.  One that you will never win.  You will never be thin enough to shut the ugly voice in your head.  Never.  No matter how thin you get, it will never be enough.  You could weigh 0 pounds and the voice will still tell you what a fat piece of crap you are.  It is hell.  A living hell.

The sad thing is that you believe every word it says.  It has brainwashed you.  You are at its mercy.  It lives to punish you.  It will keep punishing you until you decide you don't want to listen anymore.  It sounds simple, but it's not.

I remember telling my mom about it.  How the voice tells me I'm fat, I'm a pig, I don't deserve food, and what not.  She was crying and said, "Just tell the voice to shut the hell up."  I began crying, telling her I can't.

It had become my companion.  Sick as it was, I felt that it was my friend.  For someone who has never experienced an eating disorder, I know that it sounds crazy.  It is.  It promised me happiness, love, a beautiful life.  But there were strings attached.  I could only have those things if I was thin.  The thinnest.  The best at dieting.  And of course, as I said in the beginning, you will never be thin enough.  So as long as the e.d. is your "friend", you will never have the happiness, the love, and the beautiful life it promised you.  Never.  The perpetual catch-22.  You will forever be trying to catch up to the dangling carrot.  As soon as you're almost close enough to grab it, it's yanked far away from you.  Laughing manically at your stupidity, "Did you really think you would get it?  Look at you.  You're disgusting.  You have a long way to go.  Fat chance at winning."  This is who you consider your friend.

I listened to that voice for years.  Believed it for years.

When I began recovery, it got really pissed.  "They're going to make you fat.  They're lying to you.  I'm the only one who tells the truth."  And on and on.

As I said before, I let it have its say.  Then I went on with getting better.  It was hard.  There were times the e.d. voice won.  But I forgave myself and marched on.  Eventually with time, the voice quieted down.  Not overnight for sure.  We're talking a few years here.  At times of stress, it likes to pop in and see how I'm doing.  I politely close the door.  That's one visitor I don't need.

love and light, kelly

New Beliefs

For recovery to be successful you have to believe two things:  you deserve recovery and you can recover.

To be completely honest, I did not believe those two things when I began.  I was hoping I cold find a way to "maintain"  my eating disorder.  To somehow have it waiting in the wings for me.  To bring it out when I needed it most and then put it back when I no longer needed it.

I learned quickly that was not the case.  If I was to get better, I had to say goodbye to it.

What helped was that my treatment team believed in me when I did not.  They cheered me on.  They encouraged me.  By no means did they let on that it was going to be rainbows and roses, but they had the confidence that I could do it.  They also let me know that it was in my hands - not theirs.  They could only do so much.  The bulk of the work fell on my shoulders.

Slowly though I began to believe them.  Yeah, I can do this.  I can overcome this.  I will be in the overcome statistics.

Now you may not believe you can recover right now.  It's a scary thought, I know.  But I also know that you can do it.  Just like my treatment team before me, I believe in you.  I believe in your strength.  I believe in your courage.  I believe that every time you fall down, you will get up and try again.  You will beat this disease and live the life you were born to live.  I have faith in you.  You will too.

No one was put on this earth to live a sucky life.  You were born with the intention to have a beautiful and joyous life.  That is your right.  Don't let this disease rob you of that.

love and light, kelly

New Beliefs

For recovery to be successful you have to believe two things:  you deserve recovery and you can recover.

To be completely honest, I did not believe those two things when I began.  I was hoping I cold find a way to "maintain"  my eating disorder.  To somehow have it waiting in the wings for me.  To bring it out when I needed it most and then put it back when I no longer needed it.

I learned quickly that was not the case.  If I was to get better, I had to say goodbye to it.

What helped was that my treatment team believed in me when I did not.  They cheered me on.  They encouraged me.  By no means did they let on that it was going to be rainbows and roses, but they had the confidence that I could do it.  They also let me know that it was in my hands - not theirs.  They could only do so much.  The bulk of the work fell on my shoulders.

Slowly though I began to believe them.  Yeah, I can do this.  I can overcome this.  I will be in the overcome statistics.

Now you may not believe you can recover right now.  It's a scary thought, I know.  But I also know that you can do it.  Just like my treatment team before me, I believe in you.  I believe in your strength.  I believe in your courage.  I believe that every time you fall down, you will get up and try again.  You will beat this disease and live the life you were born to live.  I have faith in you.  You will too.

No one was put on this earth to live a sucky life.  You were born with the intention to have a beautiful and joyous life.  That is your right.  Don't let this disease rob you of that.

love and light, kelly

An Honest Pep Talk

EATING DISORDERS KILL!!!!

It's as easy as that.  It's said to be the most fatal of all the mental health problems.  Ten percent of all sufferers will eventually die.  It is somewhat a form of suicide.  Death can come quickly or slowly and painfully.

If it doesn't physically kill you, it will kill you emotionally.  That is 100% guaranteed.  All your hopes and dreams for the future will be gone.  Down the drain.  You will be an empty shell of your former self.  Your life will be on hold.  For how long?  Well, that's up to you.  The e.d. will gladly stick around forever if you allow it.  You shouldn't.  It's not worth it.  Believe me, it's not.

I'm not saying my life is perfect now that I'm freed from it.  It's far from it.  But what's different now, is that I can face my problems head on with a clear mind for once in my life.

I'm also not going to lie and say that I wasn't tempted to go back to it a few times, especially in my early years of recovery.  It was that monkey on my back, taunting me, teasing me.  "Come on, Kelly, just one last time.  You know you want to.  You know it'll make you feel better."

The difference between now and then is that I don't give much thought to the voice in my head anymore.  I know it's telling me lies.  Before I would believe every word it said.  And I would follow it's advice blindly.

The voice hardly ever comes around anymore.  But when it would when I was in the early stages, I had to learn to deal with it.  I found the easiest way was to simply acknowledge it.  (If I tried to ignore it too much, it just made it louder.)  I listened to what it had to say.  I didn't take too much of what it said to heart.  What I did do is stop myself, get quiet, and ask, "Ok, what is bothering me?  What is it that I'm trying to run away from?"  Sometimes I could see the problem clearly.  Other times I did not.  But I wouldn't fall back into the e.d.

I can't.  I honestly believe that my body could not handle another relapse.  It just can't.  I spent way too many years abusing it to no end.  It will not put up with another one.

It's so easy to fall back into the hole.  So easy.  Each time you fall back, you fall back down to your lowest point.  You continue to go deeper and deeper until one of two things happen.  One:  You die.  Two:  You hit your bottom and get help.

It's all up to you.  No one else.  Just you.  No one can save you.  No one can pull you up and dust you off.  Now there will people to guide you and help you along the way.  But the work rests on your shoulders.

Recovering from my eating disorder was the hardest thing I have ever done.  Aside from my son, it's my greatest accomplishment.  Was it easy?  HELL NO!  Was it fun?  HELL NO!  Were there times when I felt like giving up?  HELL YES!  Was all the work and tears worth it?  HELL YES!

 I kept chugging along.  Taking one step forward, two steps backward, and so on.  I made it.  My prayer and wish for you is for you to do the same.

love and light, kelly

An Honest Pep Talk

EATING DISORDERS KILL!!!!

It's as easy as that.  It's said to be the most fatal of all the mental health problems.  Ten percent of all sufferers will eventually die.  It is somewhat a form of suicide.  Death can come quickly or slowly and painfully.

If it doesn't physically kill you, it will kill you emotionally.  That is 100% guaranteed.  All your hopes and dreams for the future will be gone.  Down the drain.  You will be an empty shell of your former self.  Your life will be on hold.  For how long?  Well, that's up to you.  The e.d. will gladly stick around forever if you allow it.  You shouldn't.  It's not worth it.  Believe me, it's not.

I'm not saying my life is perfect now that I'm freed from it.  It's far from it.  But what's different now, is that I can face my problems head on with a clear mind for once in my life.

I'm also not going to lie and say that I wasn't tempted to go back to it a few times, especially in my early years of recovery.  It was that monkey on my back, taunting me, teasing me.  "Come on, Kelly, just one last time.  You know you want to.  You know it'll make you feel better."

The difference between now and then is that I don't give much thought to the voice in my head anymore.  I know it's telling me lies.  Before I would believe every word it said.  And I would follow it's advice blindly.

The voice hardly ever comes around anymore.  But when it would when I was in the early stages, I had to learn to deal with it.  I found the easiest way was to simply acknowledge it.  (If I tried to ignore it too much, it just made it louder.)  I listened to what it had to say.  I didn't take too much of what it said to heart.  What I did do is stop myself, get quiet, and ask, "Ok, what is bothering me?  What is it that I'm trying to run away from?"  Sometimes I could see the problem clearly.  Other times I did not.  But I wouldn't fall back into the e.d.

I can't.  I honestly believe that my body could not handle another relapse.  It just can't.  I spent way too many years abusing it to no end.  It will not put up with another one.

It's so easy to fall back into the hole.  So easy.  Each time you fall back, you fall back down to your lowest point.  You continue to go deeper and deeper until one of two things happen.  One:  You die.  Two:  You hit your bottom and get help.

It's all up to you.  No one else.  Just you.  No one can save you.  No one can pull you up and dust you off.  Now there will people to guide you and help you along the way.  But the work rests on your shoulders.

Recovering from my eating disorder was the hardest thing I have ever done.  Aside from my son, it's my greatest accomplishment.  Was it easy?  HELL NO!  Was it fun?  HELL NO!  Were there times when I felt like giving up?  HELL YES!  Was all the work and tears worth it?  HELL YES!

 I kept chugging along.  Taking one step forward, two steps backward, and so on.  I made it.  My prayer and wish for you is for you to do the same.

love and light, kelly

Just the Way You Are

Where you are is perfectly fine.  What you have done in the past is perfectly fine.  Most importantly, who you are is more than perfectly fine.

Stop beating yourself up.  Start loving yourself.

Everything you've done in the past is just that.  The past.  You did the best you could with what you had and what you knew.

Everyday is a new day, a chance to begin again.  Forgive yourself for whatever imperfections you believe about yourself.  Strive to do better each day.

What I'm saying may sound like a fairy tale right now to you.  Something that you think you'll never be able to accept.  The more you practice the concepts of recovery, the easier they become.

But first please forgive yourself.  Just do it.  I promise you're nowhere near as horrible as you think you are.  Not even close.  I used to tell my therapist horror stories about my past, trying to get her to see how bad a person I was.  She wouldn't play my game.  She wouldn't agree with me.

Instead she told me, "Kelly, you did the best you could.  Now you're learning new ways to cope.  Forgive yourself.  I'm not going to join you in gaining up on you and your past."  She was also the first person who ever told me that I was fine just the way I was.  I didn't have to be smarter, prettier, or Lord knows, thinner to be a better person.  I was fine just being me.

So now I'm telling you:  You are fine just the way you are!!!!!!  Believe it!  Live it!

The Sentence that Changed My Life

I knew I was sick.  Had known for quite some time.  Knew I needed help.  Didn't really want it though.  Also didn't feel deserving of it.  Pretty sure many of you know the feeling.  

One night I was on a recovery website looking at the survivor's wall.  People who had recovered would post encouraging things to others who were suffering.  One sentence in particular stood out the most.  I'm paraphrasing, but here it is:  The fact that I'm still alive shows that God has not given up on me.

That one little sentence made me cry, brought me to my knees, have a revelation.  It was like a religious experience and I'm by no means religious.  

I thought back to all the times He could have taken me, but didn't.  All the times I flirted with death.  All the times I prayed for death to come and take me.  But He didn't.  I was still alive.  I didn't want to be most of the time, but I was.  

Now I'm not saying I jumped on the recovery bandwagon the very next day.  But it got me thinking.  It got the ball rolling.  It would still be a few months before I found myself crying in my doctor's office about how I can't stop the starving and purging of what little I did eat.  

But maybe there was some hope for me.  Maybe I was being kept alive for some reason.  Maybe I wasn't hopeless.  It was like a light had been turned on in my head.  

And now I'm saying it to you.  The fact that you're still alive is because God hasn't given up on you.  So don't you give up either.

I have no idea what I'm doing, so bear with me.  What I do know is that I spent so much of my life trapped in a vicious cycle of self hate that included eating disorders, cutting, drinking, and drugs.  I'm happy to say that I have fourteen years recovery under my belt.

I want to help and serve others that are suffering.  I don't have a fancy degree.  All I have is my experience of being there on the other side and making it out alive.

I will share my story and what has helped me.  I hope to be an inspiration.

I gave this blog this name because at the beginning of my recovery, not many people thought I would make it.  In all honesty, I was one of them.  I want everyone who is suffering from an eating disorder to know and to take to heart that you can recover and you will!  You will go from impossible to I'm possible.

love and light,
kelly