It's Been Awhile...

It's been quite awhile.  Let me explain.

On June 22 of this year, I celebrated 17 years of recovery.  I almost didn't make it.  This has been the toughest year yet.  The toughest.

Two years ago I had a hysterectomy.  It caused my hormones to wreck havoc on my weight.  I now weigh more than I have ever weighed not including pregnancy.  All my weight gain has settled in my stomach and thigh area.  I found myself hating these parts of my body and wanting to change them.  But with a past eating disorder, it's not so easy.  You can't just go on a "diet".  You can't just decide to "lose a few pounds".  Right?  So what the hell do you do?  Hell if I know.

I do know that it woke up the damn eating disorder voice.  Oh how it did that.  I had it constantly in my ears, yapping away about how fat I got.  How I need to do something about it.  How it knows how to get me back in shape.  How if I just give it a little time...and on and on and on.  You know the drill.   Thankfully I have had enough recovery to know that all that was empty lies.  But it had me saying crap like how I wanted to get a tummy tuck.  It had me counting calories for about a week until I realized what I was doing.  It's sneaky.

I would look at body positivity sites and wish I could feel that good about myself.  I'm slowly getting there.

I started buying clothes that were flowy and  hid all the parts I didn't like.

I went back to intuitive eating.  If I felt like eating healthy, I would.  If I wanted fast food, so be it.  That's what I would have.

I stopped impulsively weighing myself.  My weight is going to be what it's going to be.  It doesn't define me.

One word:  yoga.

Another word:  meditation.

I'm happy to say the voice is slipping away.  I guess it realizes I'm not going to fall for it.  I can't.  I have too much to lose.

I just take it one day at a time.  I pray.  I meditate.  I thank God.  That's all I can do.

I don't know who all still reads this blog, but it feels good to be back.

love and light, kelly

It's Been Awhile...

It's been quite awhile.  Let me explain.

On June 22 of this year, I celebrated 17 years of recovery.  I almost didn't make it.  This has been the toughest year yet.  The toughest.

Two years ago I had a hysterectomy.  It caused my hormones to wreck havoc on my weight.  I now weigh more than I have ever weighed not including pregnancy.  All my weight gain has settled in my stomach and thigh area.  I found myself hating these parts of my body and wanting to change them.  But with a past eating disorder, it's not so easy.  You can't just go on a "diet".  You can't just decide to "lose a few pounds".  Right?  So what the hell do you do?  Hell if I know.

I do know that it woke up the damn eating disorder voice.  Oh how it did that.  I had it constantly in my ears, yapping away about how fat I got.  How I need to do something about it.  How it knows how to get me back in shape.  How if I just give it a little time...and on and on and on.  You know the drill.   Thankfully I have had enough recovery to know that all that was empty lies.  But it had me saying crap like how I wanted to get a tummy tuck.  It had me counting calories for about a week until I realized what I was doing.  It's sneaky.

I would look at body positivity sites and wish I could feel that good about myself.  I'm slowly getting there.

I started buying clothes that were flowy and  hid all the parts I didn't like.

I went back to intuitive eating.  If I felt like eating healthy, I would.  If I wanted fast food, so be it.  That's what I would have.

I stopped impulsively weighing myself.  My weight is going to be what it's going to be.  It doesn't define me.

One word:  yoga.

Another word:  meditation.

I'm happy to say the voice is slipping away.  I guess it realizes I'm not going to fall for it.  I can't.  I have too much to lose.

I just take it one day at a time.  I pray.  I meditate.  I thank God.  That's all I can do.

I don't know who all still reads this blog, but it feels good to be back.

love and light, kelly