It's Been Awhile...

It's been quite awhile.  Let me explain.

On June 22 of this year, I celebrated 17 years of recovery.  I almost didn't make it.  This has been the toughest year yet.  The toughest.

Two years ago I had a hysterectomy.  It caused my hormones to wreck havoc on my weight.  I now weigh more than I have ever weighed not including pregnancy.  All my weight gain has settled in my stomach and thigh area.  I found myself hating these parts of my body and wanting to change them.  But with a past eating disorder, it's not so easy.  You can't just go on a "diet".  You can't just decide to "lose a few pounds".  Right?  So what the hell do you do?  Hell if I know.

I do know that it woke up the damn eating disorder voice.  Oh how it did that.  I had it constantly in my ears, yapping away about how fat I got.  How I need to do something about it.  How it knows how to get me back in shape.  How if I just give it a little time...and on and on and on.  You know the drill.   Thankfully I have had enough recovery to know that all that was empty lies.  But it had me saying crap like how I wanted to get a tummy tuck.  It had me counting calories for about a week until I realized what I was doing.  It's sneaky.

I would look at body positivity sites and wish I could feel that good about myself.  I'm slowly getting there.

I started buying clothes that were flowy and  hid all the parts I didn't like.

I went back to intuitive eating.  If I felt like eating healthy, I would.  If I wanted fast food, so be it.  That's what I would have.

I stopped impulsively weighing myself.  My weight is going to be what it's going to be.  It doesn't define me.

One word:  yoga.

Another word:  meditation.

I'm happy to say the voice is slipping away.  I guess it realizes I'm not going to fall for it.  I can't.  I have too much to lose.

I just take it one day at a time.  I pray.  I meditate.  I thank God.  That's all I can do.

I don't know who all still reads this blog, but it feels good to be back.

love and light, kelly