Even though I've had seventeen years recovery from my eating disorder, I'm still suffering one of its side effects. Even right now as I write this.
My digestive system is completely screwed up.
Right now I have bad stomach bloating, gas, and a horrible stomach ache. I've taken four Tums and it has not helped in the least.
The only time after my recovery that I had what you could call a "normal" digestive system was when I was pregnant. I was Little Miss Regular. I really hoped that it would continue after I had my beautiful baby boy.
It didn't.
Now I'm lucky if I can go once a week. I envy people who are regular. Seriously.
Once when I was at the store, I bought what I thought were fiber pills. They worked magnificently! I found my cure. I was so happy. When I ran out of them and went to buy another bottle, I looked more closely at the label. I had been taking laxatives, not fiber pills. Well no f*ing wonder they worked. I knew I couldn't continue taking them and bought the actual fiber pills instead. Did they work? No.
Now I'm taking probiotics. I've been doing this for about a month now. No improvement. My next step is adding Mirolax in my coffee every morning. I've only done this for the last two mornings, so I can't tell you if it's helped or not.
I have developed a corn allergy as well. I can not eat anything made from corn or corn flour without experiencing excruciating pain. Taco Bell used to be one of my number one places to get my binge and purge foods. No more crunchy tacos or nachos for me. When buying groceries I have to make sure that nothing I buy contains corn. And by being a southern girl, I sure do miss cheesy grits loaded with butter.
This sucks. Thanks for listening to me rant. I guess I'm writing this to let people know that an eating disorder can truly fuck with you. I never thought I would still be having problems this long into my recovery. If you are still actively participating in your disease, please get help. And if you're experiencing this, know you're not alone. If you have any remedies, please let me know. We're all in this together.
love and light, kelly
Saturday, December 10, 2016
Saturday, November 26, 2016
Giving Thanks
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I know the holiday season and be very hard for those in the thick of their disease or for those in the beginning of their recovery. This is a perfect time to be extra gentle and caring for yourselves.
But what I wanted to talk about today is giving thanks to your disorder. It may not seem like much of a gift during and in the beginning of your recovery. In time you will be able to see the gifts it has given you.
The gift I'm most thankful for is that the disorder gave me back myself. My true self. If it wasn't for the disease, I would not be the person I am today. It gave me compassion for others. It took me out of myself and also taught me to love myself. I had to learn these traits. (It's so hard to put all this in words.) It made me more me. A good me. It took me to the depths of hell and the only way was up.
It also gave me the gift of spirituality. Before recovery I was agnostic. I wanted to believe in a power greater than myself, but when I looked at my life it was hard for me to think there was some force in the world that wanted the best for me. I was so angry. Angry at the world. Angry at God for taking my daddy when I was three. Angry at myself for "allowing" all the crappy things to happen to me. But the gift of recovery showed me that there is something bigger than us at work. I couldn't have made it this far without it. I now have a daily prayer and meditation practice that I wouldn't have ever had if it wasn't for my eating disorder. That is the biggest thing it has ever gave me. I am truly thankful and humbled by this.
This week try to examine the things that your disease has given you. The good things and focus on that. Don't focus on all the crappy things. What you focus on, becomes. Write out a list and keep adding to it as things as you recall. Revisit your list when the disease tries to dissuade your recovery.
May this holiday season be your best yet.
love and light, kelly
But what I wanted to talk about today is giving thanks to your disorder. It may not seem like much of a gift during and in the beginning of your recovery. In time you will be able to see the gifts it has given you.
The gift I'm most thankful for is that the disorder gave me back myself. My true self. If it wasn't for the disease, I would not be the person I am today. It gave me compassion for others. It took me out of myself and also taught me to love myself. I had to learn these traits. (It's so hard to put all this in words.) It made me more me. A good me. It took me to the depths of hell and the only way was up.
It also gave me the gift of spirituality. Before recovery I was agnostic. I wanted to believe in a power greater than myself, but when I looked at my life it was hard for me to think there was some force in the world that wanted the best for me. I was so angry. Angry at the world. Angry at God for taking my daddy when I was three. Angry at myself for "allowing" all the crappy things to happen to me. But the gift of recovery showed me that there is something bigger than us at work. I couldn't have made it this far without it. I now have a daily prayer and meditation practice that I wouldn't have ever had if it wasn't for my eating disorder. That is the biggest thing it has ever gave me. I am truly thankful and humbled by this.
This week try to examine the things that your disease has given you. The good things and focus on that. Don't focus on all the crappy things. What you focus on, becomes. Write out a list and keep adding to it as things as you recall. Revisit your list when the disease tries to dissuade your recovery.
May this holiday season be your best yet.
love and light, kelly
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Yeah, I know. It's Been Awhile Part 2
All day I have great ideas and topics to discuss on this site. Then it comes down to actually writing, and I put it off for one day. That day becomes the next day, and I again put it off. Before I know it, a whole lot of time has come since I last wrote.
Procrastination should be my true vocation.
And I have plenty of excuses too. I have to help my son with his homework. I have to cook dinner. My son has soccer practice twice a week. I'm tired. I need some me time.
The whole time my blog is in the back of my mind.
This is something I'm working on. I'm not going to get down on myself. I'm going to forgive myself for not being of service to everyone who has ever read this blog. All five of you. Lol!
Look for new content coming soon. I have a whole lists of topics I want to discuss. But first I have to watch the debate tonight. Again I kid.
love and light, kelly
Procrastination should be my true vocation.
And I have plenty of excuses too. I have to help my son with his homework. I have to cook dinner. My son has soccer practice twice a week. I'm tired. I need some me time.
The whole time my blog is in the back of my mind.
This is something I'm working on. I'm not going to get down on myself. I'm going to forgive myself for not being of service to everyone who has ever read this blog. All five of you. Lol!
Look for new content coming soon. I have a whole lists of topics I want to discuss. But first I have to watch the debate tonight. Again I kid.
love and light, kelly
Sunday, July 24, 2016
Let Go Already!
I want everyone to think about something this week, especially the ones who are still deep in their disease.
Why are you still holding on?
There is a reason. Only you can answer it.
I'll give you my examples. I may have mentioned this before, but when I was in therapy, there was a time I was still living with my ex boyfriend. (I do not recommend that, by the way.) Anyway my therapist asked me what needs of mine were being filled by still hanging on to him and our failed relationship. I told her that none of my needs were and that there was no reasons. She said that there was or I wouldn't still be there. The most important thing she added that it didn't have to be a positive reason.
It took me a day or two of meditating on that to finally see what the needs were. I stayed around because as long as I was still having some kind of relationship with him, I could stay stuck in my disease and not have to face up to my issues. I could go on believing that I was worthless, crazy, and a bitch. He reinforced all the negative things that I had been telling myself for years. I knew on a deeper level that all that was not true. I knew I deserved better. But I was scared.
Once I realized why I was still there, I began to slowly break away. I stood up for myself. I stopped letting his words hurt me. I got better. We soon both moved out and got separate apartments.
The reason I still hung on to my eating disorder was easier to answer. Safety. It was my fall back guy. As long as I held on to it, nothing could hurt me. I didn't have to feel my feelings and face up to what the disease had done to me. I knew that as long as I had it, I could numb out and escape the world. Never mind what it was doing to me physically and emotionally. That was simply some side effects that I thought was worth it.
But when I got honest with myself, I saw that it was all a charade. I was holding on to something that could eventually kill me. It never made me feel good about myself or life in general. But I still hung on tight. I thought that I wouldn't be able to face life and all the problems that come with living.
I was wrong.
I did give it up and saw that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I look back at the things I have encountered and am amazed I made it through. I was still alive and had reasons to live.
So ask yourself why are you holding on to your disease or anything else that is not serving you in the highest way? Take time to reflect on that. Journal about it. Meditate on it. There is a reason why.
I hope this week gives you peace and happiness.
love and light, kelly
Why are you still holding on?
There is a reason. Only you can answer it.
I'll give you my examples. I may have mentioned this before, but when I was in therapy, there was a time I was still living with my ex boyfriend. (I do not recommend that, by the way.) Anyway my therapist asked me what needs of mine were being filled by still hanging on to him and our failed relationship. I told her that none of my needs were and that there was no reasons. She said that there was or I wouldn't still be there. The most important thing she added that it didn't have to be a positive reason.
It took me a day or two of meditating on that to finally see what the needs were. I stayed around because as long as I was still having some kind of relationship with him, I could stay stuck in my disease and not have to face up to my issues. I could go on believing that I was worthless, crazy, and a bitch. He reinforced all the negative things that I had been telling myself for years. I knew on a deeper level that all that was not true. I knew I deserved better. But I was scared.
Once I realized why I was still there, I began to slowly break away. I stood up for myself. I stopped letting his words hurt me. I got better. We soon both moved out and got separate apartments.
The reason I still hung on to my eating disorder was easier to answer. Safety. It was my fall back guy. As long as I held on to it, nothing could hurt me. I didn't have to feel my feelings and face up to what the disease had done to me. I knew that as long as I had it, I could numb out and escape the world. Never mind what it was doing to me physically and emotionally. That was simply some side effects that I thought was worth it.
But when I got honest with myself, I saw that it was all a charade. I was holding on to something that could eventually kill me. It never made me feel good about myself or life in general. But I still hung on tight. I thought that I wouldn't be able to face life and all the problems that come with living.
I was wrong.
I did give it up and saw that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I look back at the things I have encountered and am amazed I made it through. I was still alive and had reasons to live.
So ask yourself why are you holding on to your disease or anything else that is not serving you in the highest way? Take time to reflect on that. Journal about it. Meditate on it. There is a reason why.
I hope this week gives you peace and happiness.
love and light, kelly
Let Go Already!
I want everyone to think about something this week, especially the ones who are still deep in their disease.
Why are you still holding on?
There is a reason. Only you can answer it.
I'll give you my examples. I may have mentioned this before, but when I was in therapy, there was a time I was still living with my ex boyfriend. (I do not recommend that, by the way.) Anyway my therapist asked me what needs of mine were being filled by still hanging on to him and our failed relationship. I told her that none of my needs were and that there was no reasons. She said that there was or I wouldn't still be there. The most important thing she added that it didn't have to be a positive reason.
It took me a day or two of meditating on that to finally see what the needs were. I stayed around because as long as I was still having some kind of relationship with him, I could stay stuck in my disease and not have to face up to my issues. I could go on believing that I was worthless, crazy, and a bitch. He reinforced all the negative things that I had been telling myself for years. I knew on a deeper level that all that was not true. I knew I deserved better. But I was scared.
Once I realized why I was still there, I began to slowly break away. I stood up for myself. I stopped letting his words hurt me. I got better. We soon both moved out and got separate apartments.
The reason I still hung on to my eating disorder was easier to answer. Safety. It was my fall back guy. As long as I held on to it, nothing could hurt me. I didn't have to feel my feelings and face up to what the disease had done to me. I knew that as long as I had it, I could numb out and escape the world. Never mind what it was doing to me physically and emotionally. That was simply some side effects that I thought was worth it.
But when I got honest with myself, I saw that it was all a charade. I was holding on to something that could eventually kill me. It never made me feel good about myself or life in general. But I still hung on tight. I thought that I wouldn't be able to face life and all the problems that come with living.
I was wrong.
I did give it up and saw that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I look back at the things I have encountered and am amazed I made it through. I was still alive and had reasons to live.
So ask yourself why are you holding on to your disease or anything else that is not serving you in the highest way? Take time to reflect on that. Journal about it. Meditate on it. There is a reason why.
I hope this week gives you peace and happiness.
love and light, kelly
Why are you still holding on?
There is a reason. Only you can answer it.
I'll give you my examples. I may have mentioned this before, but when I was in therapy, there was a time I was still living with my ex boyfriend. (I do not recommend that, by the way.) Anyway my therapist asked me what needs of mine were being filled by still hanging on to him and our failed relationship. I told her that none of my needs were and that there was no reasons. She said that there was or I wouldn't still be there. The most important thing she added that it didn't have to be a positive reason.
It took me a day or two of meditating on that to finally see what the needs were. I stayed around because as long as I was still having some kind of relationship with him, I could stay stuck in my disease and not have to face up to my issues. I could go on believing that I was worthless, crazy, and a bitch. He reinforced all the negative things that I had been telling myself for years. I knew on a deeper level that all that was not true. I knew I deserved better. But I was scared.
Once I realized why I was still there, I began to slowly break away. I stood up for myself. I stopped letting his words hurt me. I got better. We soon both moved out and got separate apartments.
The reason I still hung on to my eating disorder was easier to answer. Safety. It was my fall back guy. As long as I held on to it, nothing could hurt me. I didn't have to feel my feelings and face up to what the disease had done to me. I knew that as long as I had it, I could numb out and escape the world. Never mind what it was doing to me physically and emotionally. That was simply some side effects that I thought was worth it.
But when I got honest with myself, I saw that it was all a charade. I was holding on to something that could eventually kill me. It never made me feel good about myself or life in general. But I still hung on tight. I thought that I wouldn't be able to face life and all the problems that come with living.
I was wrong.
I did give it up and saw that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I look back at the things I have encountered and am amazed I made it through. I was still alive and had reasons to live.
So ask yourself why are you holding on to your disease or anything else that is not serving you in the highest way? Take time to reflect on that. Journal about it. Meditate on it. There is a reason why.
I hope this week gives you peace and happiness.
love and light, kelly
Sunday, July 3, 2016
A Is For Acceptance
This past week I have been thinking a lot about what I last posted. It was really good for me to come clean with my struggles I've been having. It has caused me to really examine myself and my feelings about my current body image.
And know what I think about it now? Who the f--- cares. This is my body. Who says I have to have a perfectly flat stomach? Maybe this is the size my body wants to be. That's ok. All I can do is feed my body the best I can and exercise my body the way I feel. If I loose weight, so be it. If I don't, so be it. I'm going to be happy with myself no matter what.
Because when I think back on it, even when I was smaller and weighed less, I wasn't happy. I was always thinking that if I could only loose five more pounds, tighten up my tummy, get a firmer butt, and etc, THEN I'll be happy. My happiness is a choice. I'm going to choose to be happy with the body I have now. No, it's not perfect. But it's perfectly mine.
I urge you to do the same. Love yourself as you are now. Accept yourself as you are now. You only get this one body in this lifetime. Treat it well.
And know what I think about it now? Who the f--- cares. This is my body. Who says I have to have a perfectly flat stomach? Maybe this is the size my body wants to be. That's ok. All I can do is feed my body the best I can and exercise my body the way I feel. If I loose weight, so be it. If I don't, so be it. I'm going to be happy with myself no matter what.
Because when I think back on it, even when I was smaller and weighed less, I wasn't happy. I was always thinking that if I could only loose five more pounds, tighten up my tummy, get a firmer butt, and etc, THEN I'll be happy. My happiness is a choice. I'm going to choose to be happy with the body I have now. No, it's not perfect. But it's perfectly mine.
I urge you to do the same. Love yourself as you are now. Accept yourself as you are now. You only get this one body in this lifetime. Treat it well.
A Is For Acceptance
This past week I have been thinking a lot about what I last posted. It was really good for me to come clean with my struggles I've been having. It has caused me to really examine myself and my feelings about my current body image.
And know what I think about it now? Who the f--- cares. This is my body. Who says I have to have a perfectly flat stomach? Maybe this is the size my body wants to be. That's ok. All I can do is feed my body the best I can and exercise my body the way I feel. If I loose weight, so be it. If I don't, so be it. I'm going to be happy with myself no matter what.
Because when I think back on it, even when I was smaller and weighed less, I wasn't happy. I was always thinking that if I could only loose five more pounds, tighten up my tummy, get a firmer butt, and etc, THEN I'll be happy. My happiness is a choice. I'm going to choose to be happy with the body I have now. No, it's not perfect. But it's perfectly mine.
I urge you to do the same. Love yourself as you are now. Accept yourself as you are now. You only get this one body in this lifetime. Treat it well.
And know what I think about it now? Who the f--- cares. This is my body. Who says I have to have a perfectly flat stomach? Maybe this is the size my body wants to be. That's ok. All I can do is feed my body the best I can and exercise my body the way I feel. If I loose weight, so be it. If I don't, so be it. I'm going to be happy with myself no matter what.
Because when I think back on it, even when I was smaller and weighed less, I wasn't happy. I was always thinking that if I could only loose five more pounds, tighten up my tummy, get a firmer butt, and etc, THEN I'll be happy. My happiness is a choice. I'm going to choose to be happy with the body I have now. No, it's not perfect. But it's perfectly mine.
I urge you to do the same. Love yourself as you are now. Accept yourself as you are now. You only get this one body in this lifetime. Treat it well.
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Sunday, June 26, 2016
It's Been Awhile...
It's been quite awhile. Let me explain.
On June 22 of this year, I celebrated 17 years of recovery. I almost didn't make it. This has been the toughest year yet. The toughest.
Two years ago I had a hysterectomy. It caused my hormones to wreck havoc on my weight. I now weigh more than I have ever weighed not including pregnancy. All my weight gain has settled in my stomach and thigh area. I found myself hating these parts of my body and wanting to change them. But with a past eating disorder, it's not so easy. You can't just go on a "diet". You can't just decide to "lose a few pounds". Right? So what the hell do you do? Hell if I know.
I do know that it woke up the damn eating disorder voice. Oh how it did that. I had it constantly in my ears, yapping away about how fat I got. How I need to do something about it. How it knows how to get me back in shape. How if I just give it a little time...and on and on and on. You know the drill. Thankfully I have had enough recovery to know that all that was empty lies. But it had me saying crap like how I wanted to get a tummy tuck. It had me counting calories for about a week until I realized what I was doing. It's sneaky.
I would look at body positivity sites and wish I could feel that good about myself. I'm slowly getting there.
I started buying clothes that were flowy and hid all the parts I didn't like.
I went back to intuitive eating. If I felt like eating healthy, I would. If I wanted fast food, so be it. That's what I would have.
I stopped impulsively weighing myself. My weight is going to be what it's going to be. It doesn't define me.
One word: yoga.
Another word: meditation.
I'm happy to say the voice is slipping away. I guess it realizes I'm not going to fall for it. I can't. I have too much to lose.
I just take it one day at a time. I pray. I meditate. I thank God. That's all I can do.
I don't know who all still reads this blog, but it feels good to be back.
love and light, kelly
On June 22 of this year, I celebrated 17 years of recovery. I almost didn't make it. This has been the toughest year yet. The toughest.
Two years ago I had a hysterectomy. It caused my hormones to wreck havoc on my weight. I now weigh more than I have ever weighed not including pregnancy. All my weight gain has settled in my stomach and thigh area. I found myself hating these parts of my body and wanting to change them. But with a past eating disorder, it's not so easy. You can't just go on a "diet". You can't just decide to "lose a few pounds". Right? So what the hell do you do? Hell if I know.
I do know that it woke up the damn eating disorder voice. Oh how it did that. I had it constantly in my ears, yapping away about how fat I got. How I need to do something about it. How it knows how to get me back in shape. How if I just give it a little time...and on and on and on. You know the drill. Thankfully I have had enough recovery to know that all that was empty lies. But it had me saying crap like how I wanted to get a tummy tuck. It had me counting calories for about a week until I realized what I was doing. It's sneaky.
I would look at body positivity sites and wish I could feel that good about myself. I'm slowly getting there.
I started buying clothes that were flowy and hid all the parts I didn't like.
I went back to intuitive eating. If I felt like eating healthy, I would. If I wanted fast food, so be it. That's what I would have.
I stopped impulsively weighing myself. My weight is going to be what it's going to be. It doesn't define me.
One word: yoga.
Another word: meditation.
I'm happy to say the voice is slipping away. I guess it realizes I'm not going to fall for it. I can't. I have too much to lose.
I just take it one day at a time. I pray. I meditate. I thank God. That's all I can do.
I don't know who all still reads this blog, but it feels good to be back.
love and light, kelly
It's Been Awhile...
It's been quite awhile. Let me explain.
On June 22 of this year, I celebrated 17 years of recovery. I almost didn't make it. This has been the toughest year yet. The toughest.
Two years ago I had a hysterectomy. It caused my hormones to wreck havoc on my weight. I now weigh more than I have ever weighed not including pregnancy. All my weight gain has settled in my stomach and thigh area. I found myself hating these parts of my body and wanting to change them. But with a past eating disorder, it's not so easy. You can't just go on a "diet". You can't just decide to "lose a few pounds". Right? So what the hell do you do? Hell if I know.
I do know that it woke up the damn eating disorder voice. Oh how it did that. I had it constantly in my ears, yapping away about how fat I got. How I need to do something about it. How it knows how to get me back in shape. How if I just give it a little time...and on and on and on. You know the drill. Thankfully I have had enough recovery to know that all that was empty lies. But it had me saying crap like how I wanted to get a tummy tuck. It had me counting calories for about a week until I realized what I was doing. It's sneaky.
I would look at body positivity sites and wish I could feel that good about myself. I'm slowly getting there.
I started buying clothes that were flowy and hid all the parts I didn't like.
I went back to intuitive eating. If I felt like eating healthy, I would. If I wanted fast food, so be it. That's what I would have.
I stopped impulsively weighing myself. My weight is going to be what it's going to be. It doesn't define me.
One word: yoga.
Another word: meditation.
I'm happy to say the voice is slipping away. I guess it realizes I'm not going to fall for it. I can't. I have too much to lose.
I just take it one day at a time. I pray. I meditate. I thank God. That's all I can do.
I don't know who all still reads this blog, but it feels good to be back.
love and light, kelly
On June 22 of this year, I celebrated 17 years of recovery. I almost didn't make it. This has been the toughest year yet. The toughest.
Two years ago I had a hysterectomy. It caused my hormones to wreck havoc on my weight. I now weigh more than I have ever weighed not including pregnancy. All my weight gain has settled in my stomach and thigh area. I found myself hating these parts of my body and wanting to change them. But with a past eating disorder, it's not so easy. You can't just go on a "diet". You can't just decide to "lose a few pounds". Right? So what the hell do you do? Hell if I know.
I do know that it woke up the damn eating disorder voice. Oh how it did that. I had it constantly in my ears, yapping away about how fat I got. How I need to do something about it. How it knows how to get me back in shape. How if I just give it a little time...and on and on and on. You know the drill. Thankfully I have had enough recovery to know that all that was empty lies. But it had me saying crap like how I wanted to get a tummy tuck. It had me counting calories for about a week until I realized what I was doing. It's sneaky.
I would look at body positivity sites and wish I could feel that good about myself. I'm slowly getting there.
I started buying clothes that were flowy and hid all the parts I didn't like.
I went back to intuitive eating. If I felt like eating healthy, I would. If I wanted fast food, so be it. That's what I would have.
I stopped impulsively weighing myself. My weight is going to be what it's going to be. It doesn't define me.
One word: yoga.
Another word: meditation.
I'm happy to say the voice is slipping away. I guess it realizes I'm not going to fall for it. I can't. I have too much to lose.
I just take it one day at a time. I pray. I meditate. I thank God. That's all I can do.
I don't know who all still reads this blog, but it feels good to be back.
love and light, kelly
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