Sunday, July 24, 2016

Let Go Already!

I want everyone to think about something this week, especially the ones who are still deep in their disease.

Why are you still holding on?

There is a reason.  Only you can answer it.

I'll give you my examples.  I may have mentioned this before, but when I was in therapy, there was a time I was still living with my ex boyfriend.  (I do not recommend that, by the way.)  Anyway my therapist asked me what needs of mine were being filled by still hanging on to him and our failed relationship.  I told her that none of my needs were and that there was no reasons.  She said that there was or I wouldn't still be there.  The most important thing she added that it didn't have to be a positive reason.

It took me a day or two of meditating on that to finally see what the needs were.  I stayed around because as long as I was still having some kind of relationship with him, I could stay stuck in my disease and not have to face up to my issues.  I could go on believing that I was worthless, crazy, and a bitch.  He reinforced all the negative things that I had been telling myself for years.  I knew on a deeper level that all that was not true.  I knew I deserved better.  But I was scared.

Once I realized why I was still there, I began to slowly break away.  I stood up for myself.  I stopped letting his words hurt me.  I got better.  We soon both moved out and got separate apartments.

The reason I still hung on to my eating disorder was easier to answer.  Safety.  It was my fall back guy.  As long as I held on to it, nothing could hurt me.  I didn't have to feel my feelings and face up to what the disease had done to me.  I knew that as long as I had it, I could numb out and escape the world.  Never mind what it was doing to me physically and emotionally.  That was simply some side effects that I thought was worth it.

But when I got honest with myself, I saw that it was all a charade.  I was holding on to something that could eventually kill me.  It never made me feel good about myself or life in general.  But I still hung on tight.  I thought that I wouldn't be able to face life and all the problems that come with living.

I was wrong.

I did give it up and saw that I am stronger than I ever thought possible.  I look back at the things I have encountered and am amazed I made it through.  I was still alive and had reasons to live.

So ask yourself why are you holding on to your disease or anything else that is not serving you in the highest way?  Take time to reflect on that.  Journal about it.  Meditate on it.  There is a reason why.

I hope this week gives you peace and happiness.

love and light, kelly

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