Change the Tape In Your Head

You're fat.
You cow.
You're wearing that?
You're so ugly.
I can't stand you.
No one likes you.
You disgust me.

Would you ever say any of those things to one of your friends?  No, of course not.

Would you be friends with anyone who said this to you?  You say no.  But you say things like this to yourself everyday, I bet.  I know I did.  It was like a tape playing over and over in my head.  Nothing was ever good enough for that voice in my head.

In order to get better, I had to learn how to become a good friend to myself.  One of the ways to do that was to retrain the way I talked to myself.  If I would never ever talk to anyone in the way I talked to myself, why did I do it to myself?  There's that old saying - you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.  That saying has been around for years because it's true.

The way I retrained my brain was whenever a negative thought came into my mind, I immediately countered it with the exact opposite positive statement.  "I'm fat" became "I'm healthy".  "I'm ugly" became "I'm pretty".  "Everyone hates me" became "Everyone likes me".  

There was TONS of resistance at the beginning.  TONS!!!  I was going against twenty plus years of programming.  The e.d. voice in my head would laugh and laugh at me.  I ignored it and kept chugging along.  Yes I felt stupid at the beginning.  I always thought affirmations were silly.  But if my constant negative talk to myself made me believe all that, wouldn't my positive talk cause me to believe it as well?  I had nothing to lose, so I did it.  And know what?  It did work.  Not overnight.  I had years to work against.  But it did.

I am a firm believer that the thoughts you put out in the Universe will become your reality. Change your thoughts, change your world. Stop beating yourself up. Love yourself. When you catch yourself talking bad to yourself, stop. Say something nice. This isn't about vanity or being stuck on yourself. It's about being loving to yourself. You will start to believe the positive thoughts about yourself. This is something I still struggle with everyday. People with and without eating disorders do the same thing. It's human nature. Be willing to change and practice this tool. I promise you it works. The two words I AM are some the most powerful words there are. Be careful about what you put behind them. You are proclaiming this to the Universe, and it has no choice but to reflect it back to you. Let your words be kind and caring.


love and light, Kelly

Change the Tape In Your Head

You're fat.
You cow.
You're wearing that?
You're so ugly.
I can't stand you.
No one likes you.
You disgust me.

Would you ever say any of those things to one of your friends?  No, of course not.

Would you be friends with anyone who said this to you?  You say no.  But you say things like this to yourself everyday, I bet.  I know I did.  It was like a tape playing over and over in my head.  Nothing was ever good enough for that voice in my head.

In order to get better, I had to learn how to become a good friend to myself.  One of the ways to do that was to retrain the way I talked to myself.  If I would never ever talk to anyone in the way I talked to myself, why did I do it to myself?  There's that old saying - you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.  That saying has been around for years because it's true.

The way I retrained my brain was whenever a negative thought came into my mind, I immediately countered it with the exact opposite positive statement.  "I'm fat" became "I'm healthy".  "I'm ugly" became "I'm pretty".  "Everyone hates me" became "Everyone likes me".  

There was TONS of resistance at the beginning.  TONS!!!  I was going against twenty plus years of programming.  The e.d. voice in my head would laugh and laugh at me.  I ignored it and kept chugging along.  Yes I felt stupid at the beginning.  I always thought affirmations were silly.  But if my constant negative talk to myself made me believe all that, wouldn't my positive talk cause me to believe it as well?  I had nothing to lose, so I did it.  And know what?  It did work.  Not overnight.  I had years to work against.  But it did.

I am a firm believer that the thoughts you put out in the Universe will become your reality. Change your thoughts, change your world. Stop beating yourself up. Love yourself. When you catch yourself talking bad to yourself, stop. Say something nice. This isn't about vanity or being stuck on yourself. It's about being loving to yourself. You will start to believe the positive thoughts about yourself. This is something I still struggle with everyday. People with and without eating disorders do the same thing. It's human nature. Be willing to change and practice this tool. I promise you it works. The two words I AM are some the most powerful words there are. Be careful about what you put behind them. You are proclaiming this to the Universe, and it has no choice but to reflect it back to you. Let your words be kind and caring.


love and light, Kelly

Happy Easter

Holidays can be hard for people with eating disorders, mainly because so many of them are centered around food.  Like Easter.  From the family dinner to the candy the Easter Bunny brings, anxious emotions can arise.

This year I urge you to find new meaning for the holiday.  Easter comes in spring and that means renewal.  Look around you.  Flowers are blossoming and trees are gaining their leaves back.  The earth is blooming once again after the winter.

My wish for you is to do the same.  Use the meaning of today for your own life.  Today you are blossoming, being reborn into the person you are meant to be.  Not what your disease wants you to be.  Cast away your former shell, and emerge as the amazing person you are.  Keep this message close to your heart for the days ahead.  Maybe even allow yourself to have some Easter candy and don't feel guilty about it.  I'm for sure going to enjoy some.

love and light, Kelly

Happy Easter

Holidays can be hard for people with eating disorders, mainly because so many of them are centered around food.  Like Easter.  From the family dinner to the candy the Easter Bunny brings, anxious emotions can arise.

This year I urge you to find new meaning for the holiday.  Easter comes in spring and that means renewal.  Look around you.  Flowers are blossoming and trees are gaining their leaves back.  The earth is blooming once again after the winter.

My wish for you is to do the same.  Use the meaning of today for your own life.  Today you are blossoming, being reborn into the person you are meant to be.  Not what your disease wants you to be.  Cast away your former shell, and emerge as the amazing person you are.  Keep this message close to your heart for the days ahead.  Maybe even allow yourself to have some Easter candy and don't feel guilty about it.  I'm for sure going to enjoy some.

love and light, Kelly

Confessions of a Former Grudge Holder

I used to hold major, and I mean major, grudges.  For years.  Piss me off even slightly and you would forever be on my poop list.

Today I practice forgiveness.  Daily.  I am no longer the queen of grudges.  And I am much happier because of it.  That doesn't mean I don't still get mad at people.  I do.  I just feel the feelings and then let them go.

I would get nowhere holding onto the grudges I was holding on to.  I would spend so much energy hating so and so.  Meanwhile s/he would be going on with their life, oblivious to the time they were spending in my head.  I would be like, "How dare they go about all happy and crap, when I'm still over here pissed about what happened."  It just wasn't fair.

Then I heard I quote from the mighty O herself (Oprah) on forgiveness:  “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”  She went on to explain that it doesn't mean that what happened to you is ok.  Just that you accept that it happened.  Then move on.  

I have an ex-boyfriend who was physically abusive to me for years.  To say he isn't my favorite person would be an understatement.  But I have forgiven him.  I don't want him in my life, but I still have forgiven him.  I can see him now and not want to immediately run and hide or have the urge to mentally kill him with my thoughts.  People are amazed that I can have polite small talk with him.  I'm a different person now than I was when we were together.  I'm no longer the insecure girl with no self esteem.  The girl who allowed him to walk all over her.  He doesn't know the new me, and he probably never will.  And that's fine.  Just because you forgive someone doesn't always mean they have to be in your life.  You can forgive people that have passed away, moved far away, or will never ever see again.  

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.  The word itself is FOR GIVE.  Give yourself this.  Make peace with the past for you.  As long as you're holding grudges and what not, the other person still has control and power over you.  Release it.  Surrender.  You don't have to call the person and let them know what you're doing.  Make it personal.  Something between you and your Higher Power.  Just do it.  Practice it daily.  I promise your life will be so much more peaceful and calm.  Don't we all want that?  I know I do.  

love and light, kelly

Confessions of a Former Grudge Holder

I used to hold major, and I mean major, grudges.  For years.  Piss me off even slightly and you would forever be on my poop list.

Today I practice forgiveness.  Daily.  I am no longer the queen of grudges.  And I am much happier because of it.  That doesn't mean I don't still get mad at people.  I do.  I just feel the feelings and then let them go.

I would get nowhere holding onto the grudges I was holding on to.  I would spend so much energy hating so and so.  Meanwhile s/he would be going on with their life, oblivious to the time they were spending in my head.  I would be like, "How dare they go about all happy and crap, when I'm still over here pissed about what happened."  It just wasn't fair.

Then I heard I quote from the mighty O herself (Oprah) on forgiveness:  “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”  She went on to explain that it doesn't mean that what happened to you is ok.  Just that you accept that it happened.  Then move on.  

I have an ex-boyfriend who was physically abusive to me for years.  To say he isn't my favorite person would be an understatement.  But I have forgiven him.  I don't want him in my life, but I still have forgiven him.  I can see him now and not want to immediately run and hide or have the urge to mentally kill him with my thoughts.  People are amazed that I can have polite small talk with him.  I'm a different person now than I was when we were together.  I'm no longer the insecure girl with no self esteem.  The girl who allowed him to walk all over her.  He doesn't know the new me, and he probably never will.  And that's fine.  Just because you forgive someone doesn't always mean they have to be in your life.  You can forgive people that have passed away, moved far away, or will never ever see again.  

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.  The word itself is FOR GIVE.  Give yourself this.  Make peace with the past for you.  As long as you're holding grudges and what not, the other person still has control and power over you.  Release it.  Surrender.  You don't have to call the person and let them know what you're doing.  Make it personal.  Something between you and your Higher Power.  Just do it.  Practice it daily.  I promise your life will be so much more peaceful and calm.  Don't we all want that?  I know I do.  

love and light, kelly

Relapse

Relapse is a part of recovery.  It's going to happen.  Accept it.

The most important thing to do when it happens is DO NOT beat yourself up over it.!  DO NOT!!!  You've spent years beating yourself up already. Now is the time to take care of you.  Practice self forgiveness.  Practice self love.

There was a time in my recovery that on the outside to others, it seemed like I was getting worse.  People that cared about me were worried.  Asking me if treatment was a good idea.  I told them yes.  It was working.

What they didn't know was that I was finally dealing with all the negativity that my e.d. had protected me from.  All theses scary emotions were coming up.  I was having to deal with situations that happened years ago.  Things I should have dealt with and felt then.  Not surprisingly, it was a bit overwhelming at times to say the least.  There were a few days when after a tough therapy session, I would have to call in sick to work the next day and just stay in bed and cry all day.  I can see why people thought I was going backwards and not forwards.  But I knew that every tear shed was a tiny victory for me.  Me - who used to view crying as weak.  Me - who used tears to manipulate others.  I was now bawling unabashedly.  Reveling in my sobs.  I was mainly mourning the three year old inside me who lost her dad and didn't understand why.  I was mourning the unhealthy ways I tried to protect the little girl from getting hurt.  I was begging for her forgiveness.

Now when the emotions would get too much - and they did - I would lapse.  Notice I said lapse, not RElapse.   To me lapse is more of a temporary situation.  You fall down, get back up.  A relapse is when you stay down for awhile.  How long, of course, is up to you.  It's always up to you.  Hopefully not for long.  But if so, forgive yourself.  (FORGIVE=GIVE FOR YOURSELF)  Know that it happens.  It is a part - a vital part - of recovery.  I've heard it shows that you are on the right track of recovery.  You are.  Get up.  Brush yourself off.  Keep looking forward.  Don't give up.

love and light, kelly

Relapse

Relapse is a part of recovery.  It's going to happen.  Accept it.

The most important thing to do when it happens is DO NOT beat yourself up over it.!  DO NOT!!!  You've spent years beating yourself up already. Now is the time to take care of you.  Practice self forgiveness.  Practice self love.

There was a time in my recovery that on the outside to others, it seemed like I was getting worse.  People that cared about me were worried.  Asking me if treatment was a good idea.  I told them yes.  It was working.

What they didn't know was that I was finally dealing with all the negativity that my e.d. had protected me from.  All theses scary emotions were coming up.  I was having to deal with situations that happened years ago.  Things I should have dealt with and felt then.  Not surprisingly, it was a bit overwhelming at times to say the least.  There were a few days when after a tough therapy session, I would have to call in sick to work the next day and just stay in bed and cry all day.  I can see why people thought I was going backwards and not forwards.  But I knew that every tear shed was a tiny victory for me.  Me - who used to view crying as weak.  Me - who used tears to manipulate others.  I was now bawling unabashedly.  Reveling in my sobs.  I was mainly mourning the three year old inside me who lost her dad and didn't understand why.  I was mourning the unhealthy ways I tried to protect the little girl from getting hurt.  I was begging for her forgiveness.

Now when the emotions would get too much - and they did - I would lapse.  Notice I said lapse, not RElapse.   To me lapse is more of a temporary situation.  You fall down, get back up.  A relapse is when you stay down for awhile.  How long, of course, is up to you.  It's always up to you.  Hopefully not for long.  But if so, forgive yourself.  (FORGIVE=GIVE FOR YOURSELF)  Know that it happens.  It is a part - a vital part - of recovery.  I've heard it shows that you are on the right track of recovery.  You are.  Get up.  Brush yourself off.  Keep looking forward.  Don't give up.

love and light, kelly