Relapse

Relapse is a part of recovery.  It's going to happen.  Accept it.

The most important thing to do when it happens is DO NOT beat yourself up over it.!  DO NOT!!!  You've spent years beating yourself up already. Now is the time to take care of you.  Practice self forgiveness.  Practice self love.

There was a time in my recovery that on the outside to others, it seemed like I was getting worse.  People that cared about me were worried.  Asking me if treatment was a good idea.  I told them yes.  It was working.

What they didn't know was that I was finally dealing with all the negativity that my e.d. had protected me from.  All theses scary emotions were coming up.  I was having to deal with situations that happened years ago.  Things I should have dealt with and felt then.  Not surprisingly, it was a bit overwhelming at times to say the least.  There were a few days when after a tough therapy session, I would have to call in sick to work the next day and just stay in bed and cry all day.  I can see why people thought I was going backwards and not forwards.  But I knew that every tear shed was a tiny victory for me.  Me - who used to view crying as weak.  Me - who used tears to manipulate others.  I was now bawling unabashedly.  Reveling in my sobs.  I was mainly mourning the three year old inside me who lost her dad and didn't understand why.  I was mourning the unhealthy ways I tried to protect the little girl from getting hurt.  I was begging for her forgiveness.

Now when the emotions would get too much - and they did - I would lapse.  Notice I said lapse, not RElapse.   To me lapse is more of a temporary situation.  You fall down, get back up.  A relapse is when you stay down for awhile.  How long, of course, is up to you.  It's always up to you.  Hopefully not for long.  But if so, forgive yourself.  (FORGIVE=GIVE FOR YOURSELF)  Know that it happens.  It is a part - a vital part - of recovery.  I've heard it shows that you are on the right track of recovery.  You are.  Get up.  Brush yourself off.  Keep looking forward.  Don't give up.

love and light, kelly