A Losing Battle

YOU WILL NEVER WIN!!!!  EVER!!!!

An eating disorder is a war with your mind.  One that you will never win.  You will never be thin enough to shut the ugly voice in your head.  Never.  No matter how thin you get, it will never be enough.  You could weigh 0 pounds and the voice will still tell you what a fat piece of crap you are.  It is hell.  A living hell.

The sad thing is that you believe every word it says.  It has brainwashed you.  You are at its mercy.  It lives to punish you.  It will keep punishing you until you decide you don't want to listen anymore.  It sounds simple, but it's not.

I remember telling my mom about it.  How the voice tells me I'm fat, I'm a pig, I don't deserve food, and what not.  She was crying and said, "Just tell the voice to shut the hell up."  I began crying, telling her I can't.

It had become my companion.  Sick as it was, I felt that it was my friend.  For someone who has never experienced an eating disorder, I know that it sounds crazy.  It is.  It promised me happiness, love, a beautiful life.  But there were strings attached.  I could only have those things if I was thin.  The thinnest.  The best at dieting.  And of course, as I said in the beginning, you will never be thin enough.  So as long as the e.d. is your "friend", you will never have the happiness, the love, and the beautiful life it promised you.  Never.  The perpetual catch-22.  You will forever be trying to catch up to the dangling carrot.  As soon as you're almost close enough to grab it, it's yanked far away from you.  Laughing manically at your stupidity, "Did you really think you would get it?  Look at you.  You're disgusting.  You have a long way to go.  Fat chance at winning."  This is who you consider your friend.

I listened to that voice for years.  Believed it for years.

When I began recovery, it got really pissed.  "They're going to make you fat.  They're lying to you.  I'm the only one who tells the truth."  And on and on.

As I said before, I let it have its say.  Then I went on with getting better.  It was hard.  There were times the e.d. voice won.  But I forgave myself and marched on.  Eventually with time, the voice quieted down.  Not overnight for sure.  We're talking a few years here.  At times of stress, it likes to pop in and see how I'm doing.  I politely close the door.  That's one visitor I don't need.

love and light, kelly