This Is a Test

Today a friend of mine that has her own addiction struggles received some bad news about a close family member.  I hope for her and her families sake, she is able to be strong and make it through without the drug of her choice.  Please whoever is reading this, say a prayer for her and her family.

It got me thinking about times in my recovery when it got tough.  This is a test and you will be tested.  Be prepared.

My first real challenge came about two years into my recovery.  My mother suffered a brain aneurysm.  If I hadn't been at home to call 911, she would have died for sure.  Luckily I was there and did call.  She was rushed to the hospital.  They began running tests on her to find out what was wrong.  They figured out that she had suffered a brain aneurysm and they had to do surgery on her, but only after they had her stabilized.  On top of that, they informed my siblings and me that there was only a 50% percent chance she would make it.  Take a wild guess how I wanted to deal with it all.

All I wanted was a cheesecake and quick access to a toilet.  I didn't want to feel.  I didn't want to feel the helplessness, the fear, the uncertainty, anything.  I wanted to be numb.  Completely numb.

But I knew that would not help anything.  It wouldn't serve any purpose.  It wouldn't change anything.  It would temporarily help me escape my problems and feelings, but they would still be there when the numbness wore off.  My mom would still be in the hospital with an aneurysm.  How would my relapsing help?  It wouldn't.  It wouldn't help me.  It wouldn't help her.

So what did I do?  I prayed like never before.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  I prayed to God and I prayed to my father who passed away when I was three years old.  I asked both for strength and to watch over mom.  I also cried a lot.  A lot.  Sometimes I cried myself to sleep.  I ate.  Slowly.  I was careful not to eat fast, because I wanted to go into full on binging mode so bad.  I did not let myself get too hungry either.  I took care of myself.

I'm happy to say that my mother and I both made it through that horrible time.  That time in my life has been the biggest challenge to my recovery.  It was one of the most frightening times of my life.

Just know that you will be tested in your recovery.  I hope you pass with flying colors.  Be strong.

love and light, kelly