An Honest Pep Talk

EATING DISORDERS KILL!!!!

It's as easy as that.  It's said to be the most fatal of all the mental health problems.  Ten percent of all sufferers will eventually die.  It is somewhat a form of suicide.  Death can come quickly or slowly and painfully.

If it doesn't physically kill you, it will kill you emotionally.  That is 100% guaranteed.  All your hopes and dreams for the future will be gone.  Down the drain.  You will be an empty shell of your former self.  Your life will be on hold.  For how long?  Well, that's up to you.  The e.d. will gladly stick around forever if you allow it.  You shouldn't.  It's not worth it.  Believe me, it's not.

I'm not saying my life is perfect now that I'm freed from it.  It's far from it.  But what's different now, is that I can face my problems head on with a clear mind for once in my life.

I'm also not going to lie and say that I wasn't tempted to go back to it a few times, especially in my early years of recovery.  It was that monkey on my back, taunting me, teasing me.  "Come on, Kelly, just one last time.  You know you want to.  You know it'll make you feel better."

The difference between now and then is that I don't give much thought to the voice in my head anymore.  I know it's telling me lies.  Before I would believe every word it said.  And I would follow it's advice blindly.

The voice hardly ever comes around anymore.  But when it would when I was in the early stages, I had to learn to deal with it.  I found the easiest way was to simply acknowledge it.  (If I tried to ignore it too much, it just made it louder.)  I listened to what it had to say.  I didn't take too much of what it said to heart.  What I did do is stop myself, get quiet, and ask, "Ok, what is bothering me?  What is it that I'm trying to run away from?"  Sometimes I could see the problem clearly.  Other times I did not.  But I wouldn't fall back into the e.d.

I can't.  I honestly believe that my body could not handle another relapse.  It just can't.  I spent way too many years abusing it to no end.  It will not put up with another one.

It's so easy to fall back into the hole.  So easy.  Each time you fall back, you fall back down to your lowest point.  You continue to go deeper and deeper until one of two things happen.  One:  You die.  Two:  You hit your bottom and get help.

It's all up to you.  No one else.  Just you.  No one can save you.  No one can pull you up and dust you off.  Now there will people to guide you and help you along the way.  But the work rests on your shoulders.

Recovering from my eating disorder was the hardest thing I have ever done.  Aside from my son, it's my greatest accomplishment.  Was it easy?  HELL NO!  Was it fun?  HELL NO!  Were there times when I felt like giving up?  HELL YES!  Was all the work and tears worth it?  HELL YES!

 I kept chugging along.  Taking one step forward, two steps backward, and so on.  I made it.  My prayer and wish for you is for you to do the same.

love and light, kelly