Today marks fifteen years since I last binged and purged. Fifteen years of eating disorder freedom. I had a good happy cry for myself this morning when I realized my accomplishment.
Fifteen years ago today I did not have such high hopes for myself. I did not believe I would reach this milestone. Never in a million years. But I did.
The first few years were the hardest. I would say maybe the first three years were the toughest. I wanted to go back so many times. I would compare the eating disorder to an old boyfriend. A boyfriend who didn't treat me very well, but still had a hold on me. Not a very strong hold, but it's there. Sometimes I'd would think about him. What he's doing, how he is, and what not. I'd think about picking up the phone and calling him. Just an innocent phone call. Just to say hi and to let him know I'm still thinking about him and to wish him well. But I don't make the phone call. Why? Because it'll bring up too many things again. Things I have dealt with. Things I don't want to deal with ever again. Because he and I both know that we can never have an innocent conversation. We can't just say our good byes, hang up the phone, and move on. No, we have to have the drama. The high we get from it. The distraction it gives to ordinary life. That one phone call will give us a little taste of it. We will succumb to it. We will fall for it all. Each time it will be harder and harder to say good bye.
That's why I never did it. That's why I never stuck my finger down my throat again when I got angry or depressed. I can't do it. I can't go back.
I know that if I do, the results will be disastrous.
All the things he promised me will never happen. The happiness he said he could make me feel will never happen. The perfect body will never be perfect enough to suit him.
So I leave him where he is. In my past. He served his purpose in my life, but I have outgrown my need for him. Thank God.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Happy Anniversary to Me!!!
Today marks fifteen years since I last binged and purged. Fifteen years of eating disorder freedom. I had a good happy cry for myself this morning when I realized my accomplishment.
Fifteen years ago today I did not have such high hopes for myself. I did not believe I would reach this milestone. Never in a million years. But I did.
The first few years were the hardest. I would say maybe the first three years were the toughest. I wanted to go back so many times. I would compare the eating disorder to an old boyfriend. A boyfriend who didn't treat me very well, but still had a hold on me. Not a very strong hold, but it's there. Sometimes I'd would think about him. What he's doing, how he is, and what not. I'd think about picking up the phone and calling him. Just an innocent phone call. Just to say hi and to let him know I'm still thinking about him and to wish him well. But I don't make the phone call. Why? Because it'll bring up too many things again. Things I have dealt with. Things I don't want to deal with ever again. Because he and I both know that we can never have an innocent conversation. We can't just say our good byes, hang up the phone, and move on. No, we have to have the drama. The high we get from it. The distraction it gives to ordinary life. That one phone call will give us a little taste of it. We will succumb to it. We will fall for it all. Each time it will be harder and harder to say good bye.
That's why I never did it. That's why I never stuck my finger down my throat again when I got angry or depressed. I can't do it. I can't go back.
I know that if I do, the results will be disastrous.
All the things he promised me will never happen. The happiness he said he could make me feel will never happen. The perfect body will never be perfect enough to suit him.
So I leave him where he is. In my past. He served his purpose in my life, but I have outgrown my need for him. Thank God.
Fifteen years ago today I did not have such high hopes for myself. I did not believe I would reach this milestone. Never in a million years. But I did.
The first few years were the hardest. I would say maybe the first three years were the toughest. I wanted to go back so many times. I would compare the eating disorder to an old boyfriend. A boyfriend who didn't treat me very well, but still had a hold on me. Not a very strong hold, but it's there. Sometimes I'd would think about him. What he's doing, how he is, and what not. I'd think about picking up the phone and calling him. Just an innocent phone call. Just to say hi and to let him know I'm still thinking about him and to wish him well. But I don't make the phone call. Why? Because it'll bring up too many things again. Things I have dealt with. Things I don't want to deal with ever again. Because he and I both know that we can never have an innocent conversation. We can't just say our good byes, hang up the phone, and move on. No, we have to have the drama. The high we get from it. The distraction it gives to ordinary life. That one phone call will give us a little taste of it. We will succumb to it. We will fall for it all. Each time it will be harder and harder to say good bye.
That's why I never did it. That's why I never stuck my finger down my throat again when I got angry or depressed. I can't do it. I can't go back.
I know that if I do, the results will be disastrous.
All the things he promised me will never happen. The happiness he said he could make me feel will never happen. The perfect body will never be perfect enough to suit him.
So I leave him where he is. In my past. He served his purpose in my life, but I have outgrown my need for him. Thank God.
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