When in Doubt, Write It Out

If you ever begin to see a therapist, he or she will most likely suggest that you start a journal.  I'm suggesting you start one now if you don't have one already.  It doesn't have to be fancy.  I'd write in a plain notebook, like one you use for school.  There are many options, from the fancy notebooks to keeping it on your computer.  It doesn't matter.  Just journal.

What you write isn't important either.  Try to write about your feelings.  That may be hard at first, especially since your disease has done such a good job at keeping feelings at bay.  But try to get in touch with them.

Looking back at my old journals from when I was in the midst of my disease, I never wrote about my feelings.  It was all this happened, and then this happened, and so on.  Just a log of events.  Nothing about how I felt about anything.  Now I was going through a bunch of crap besides my eating disorder throughout this time of my life.  I was dating one guy that was physically abusive to me for example.  I would write about the fights we had, and how he had hit me.  There would be no emotion coming from me.  Nothing.  That's how numb I was.  Years later when I reread my journals, and was recovering, the tears came.  I finally allowed myself to feel.

Get those feelings out of you.  Don't let them simmer inside.  Don't cover them up with the disease.  You have to feel to heal.

There were many times in the beginning when I would just get my journal and pen out and just scribble out as angry as I could.  No words.  Just scribbles.  That helped a lot.  Just do something.

Start by writing the first thing that comes into your head and go from there.  "This girl on the internet said I need to journal.  She doesn't know what's she's talking about.  But I'll try it."  Anything.

Hopefully you will do it and stick with it.  There were many times my journal was my best friend.  I would spend hours writing page after page in it.  It was the safest place I could get all my feelings out without judgment.  It gave me peace.  It gave me sound of mind.  My hope is that it does the same for you.

love and light, kelly